At this point of my pregnancy after loss journey, I still have a lot of mixed feelings. I now have less than six weeks to go until my scheduled c-section date, and we still have nothing ready. I’m trying, but what started off as a calm, uneventful week for this pregnancy full of motivation to tackle preparing everything for our rainbow baby, turned into worry, and trying to rest as much as I can.

The beginning of the week started off good though. I’ve been feeling good, both emotionally and physically, and I have been having a lot of luck feeling consistent, little kicks from Colbie. I have to say that finally feeling those kicks has helped put my mind a little more at ease.

My husband and I have been trying to keep busy during these remaining few weeks by getting the house cleaned up for a newborn here and there, going on walks, drives, and just enjoying as much time together and with our son.

This week we went on a little hike to see the Salmon Falls here in upstate New York, and during our walk we talked about how exciting things are going to be when Colbie is finally here to join us. We even started to discuss Halloween costume ideas for both our son and our rainbow baby. While to others, this may seem like a normal part of pregnancy, but for us this was a huge step for my husband and I. Before we were always hesitant about talking about the future after what had happened with Amelia, now it seems that our confidence is growing. Each day our rainbow baby comes up in conversations, and it’s exciting to know that we are getting so close to meeting her.

For a moment, it almost seems like this is a normal pregnancy with happy, blissful emotions shared without any worry in the world. It’s a beautiful feeling to experience again, and a feeling I never thought we would get to have again. Of course all that changed a few days ago when I lost my mucus plug and saw blood.

As I stated in my previous posts, I lost my beautiful little angel to a rare pregnancy complication called Vasa Previa. If Vasa Previa is diagnosed early, a c-section is generally done around 34-35 weeks before the mother goes into labor to prevent rupture of the exposed blood vessels connecting to the placenta. In my case, it went undiagnosed, and the moment my water broke at 37 weeks while being induced, there was blood… A LOT of blood.

When I was pregnant with my angel, I remember losing my mucus plug around 35/36 weeks but never saw a “bloody show” as they call it. I’m only 33 weeks, and seeing that I lost my mucus plug and seeing blood was enough to shatter my confidence and my heart. From that moment on I couldn’t get that thought out of my mind when my water broke with my angel, and seeing blood. I’ve been panicking every time I go to the bathroom now, worried that I’ll see more blood. Thankfully though, I haven’t seen any since the evening I lost my mucus plug.

Since losing my mucus plug I’ve been forcing myself to take it easy. Every time I feel a Braxton-hick contraction, have any kind of back pain, or generally feel ill, I’ve felt an increase in my anxiety. It’s way too soon for this baby to come. She cannot come early. Everyone keeps telling me to relax and not worry, but honestly, the biggest fear I have is my water breaking at home and seeing blood again. Even though they scanned me for Vasa Previa and everything was clear, I just do not trust my own body.

I’m hoping and praying that this rest of this pregnancy goes by quickly because I’m started to realize that I’m not as strong as I thought I was at the beginning. My OB keeps reassuring me that these feelings are normal in a pregnancy after loss, but told me many others have felt joyous when they welcomed their rainbow baby into the world and had the confidence. I’m excited, but oh so nervous.  I feel like that days and weeks are stretching out even longer than before now.



Share this story!