The days are flying by, but the weeks feel like they are dragging on.
We only have about seven weeks or less to go now until we hopefully will welcome our little rainbow baby into this world, but my anxiety is starting to pick up again. Especially after how my OB appointment went this past week.
Honestly, it was awful. I unfortunately had to cancel my original OB appointment I had scheduled with the Dr that will be doing my c-section, and could only get in to see a midwife. I really liked the midwife, but her nurse really made me feel like an idiot for any question/concern I had.
I’ve explained in previous blog posts how I have an anterior placenta and how it’s been a struggle to count/feel any kicks. My OB told me to always call in if there was ever any doubt and to NEVER hesitate to let them know at appointments. Well, the nurse asked me if I was feeling the baby kick, and I was honest with her that I still struggle to feel her move.
I instantly regretted being honest then. In short, her response had me pretty much felt like an idiot, and I felt like it was my fault that I could not feel any baby kicks. All the confidence I had that this baby will be safely brought into this world was in question. My anxiety grew, and I felt discouraged. All I wanted to know was that my baby was okay.
When you lose a child, everything changes in a subsequent pregnancy. The innocence and bliss of pregnancy is gone, and you constantly wonder if things will be different this time. I WAS feeling more confident, but all that changed into worry after my appointment.
I can now understand why women feel so discouraged when they have serious questions and concerns. I remember with my angel baby feeling like I was blown off and then I felt guilty again that I didn’t fight enough. Sometimes I wonder if I did instead of being told my pregnancy was okay, our little angel would be here today. I felt like it was my fault my body failed me that pregnancy, and that having vasa previa that went undiagnosed was my fault because I didn’t express my concerns enough since all the symptoms I had were warning signs for it.
Hours after my appointment I called the office back with the same concerns about not feeling my rainbow baby kick, unfortunately that same nurse was the one that took my call and blew me off. I don’t even think she relayed the message back to the midwife I saw that day and just told me there was nothing they pretty much could do.
All I did for the rest of that day was cry.
I hate having an anterior placenta. After one placenta issue that resulted in the death of my angel, I just can’t help but to blame myself that it’s my fault that this pregnancy my placenta isn’t normal either. This pregnancy I’ve been trying my best to be my baby’s advocate, but I still felt like I was failing.
After talking to some close friends about my experience from that appointment, they did help me build my confidence to call back and demand to get my concerns checked out. I’m thankful for that, and thankful for the friends that helped me out so much this pregnancy.
(I wanted to share my experience to encourage other moms to not let your concerns be blown off. You should never feel afraid to call your OB office. If there is ever any doubt, don’t wait, get checked!)
I still feel a little discouraged after that appointment, but I am thankful that I went back and got to see that our rainbow baby was looking healthy, and that the placenta is blocking the kicks. Since that day I have started to feel more consistent baby kicks which has helped to ease my anxiety a little.
Despite everything, I did finally manage to work on getting out baby clothes for our rainbow baby. It was bittersweet though. Countless hours of laundry, sorting, folding, hanging, packing baby/toddler clothes helped to keep my mind off of worrying, but it was emotional though.
First thing that hit my hard was boxing up all our sunshine baby’s items. I still have a long way to go and a lot to catch up with his laundry, but it’s crazy to think that this little boy is no longer a baby and growing up so fast before my eyes. It makes me sad but so excited to see what kind of person he’s going to grow up into.
The second thing was going through a lot of our angel’s clothes that we never got to use, and washing some new clothes I finally had the courage to buy for our rainbow. Going through all of our angel, Amelia’s things brought back all the memories of my husband and I getting things ready for her. We were so excited, but we never thought that we would lose her just 8 short days after she was born. The hardest part was packing all her items up and debating on what to do with them back then since we weren’t sure if we would ever get to use them. Reopening all those boxes in a way reopened all those feelings of loss. You look at all these little clothes and think about what she would’ve looked like in them, what memories could’ve been made, how a lot of things since she passed away could’ve been different and really changed where we are at now.
I’m hopeful for a different outcome this time. It’s hard to believe that in 48 days or less we will be welcoming our little rainbow baby. I’m praying that my future OB appointments won’t go like how they did this past week for me, and that this pregnancy keeps going well for the most part. Despite feeling like an emotional ball, I am excited for September and to meet this little baby.