I sat waiting to be called into my first ultrasound with this, my third, pregnancy. My palms were sweaty, and my heart was racing. In my head, I repeated, “Please let there be a heartbeat,” over and over again. The ultrasound technician was dead silent. The wait to find out the results was pure torture and the silence paralyzing.
It is all I have thought about for weeks now, every minute of every day, and this is just the first of many nail-biting appointments.
I am thankful to have had my two-year-old Addison to keep me company, and I will be forever grateful for that. While we waited to be called into the office for the results, Addison decorated my arms and legs in Frozen stickers and made me laugh a million times. Having her with me for this first appointment was important. I was with my living child for the first time, versus when I was pregnant with her and fully alone at these appointments. The doctor finally called us in and told me that everything is okay. The heartbeat is strong and there are zero signs of issues. I finally breathed a sigh of relief, I felt relieved to be worry-free and content for at least a day.
Pregnancy after loss is draining, emotional, overwhelming, and the hardest experience next to the death of my son Grayson.
During my pregnancy after loss journey, I am grateful for every minute, every hour and every day that I am not worried or stressed out. Those times are far and few between. I try to hold onto the glimmers of hope and joy that this new life being created gives me, and I hope in a few months my story will end with a happy ending.