This week has been a tough one for me. The closer it gets to my due date, the more my anxiety and stress sets in. I thought since getting my C-section date the anxiety would lessen, there would be a plan and a date, but it has had the opposite effect on me. The days are going by slower, and the thoughts of complications and loss have really set in the forefront of my mind.
All of my medical issues, missing my son, and giving birth soon have been just all too overwhelming for me lately.
I had a breakdown while I was watching a movie with my sweet two-and-a-half-year-old daughter Addy the other day. I just started thinking about my son who passed away, everything I have been through the last few months, and I just could not control it, the tears started flowing.
I normally keep it together in front of my daughter, never letting her see me struggle or cry, but I just could not hold it in. She looked over at me and came and hugged me. She rubbed my arm over and over again and said, “Poor mommy, don’t cry, I love you.”
She kept trying to comfort me until she did. All the tears stopped, and I just squeezed her tight. I thought about how lucky I am to have her in my life, for her to be so loving and comforting at such a young age. I thought about how I can get through all of this because I have her by my side. I went from feeling so down and in despair to feeling grateful and hopeful.
My sweet little rainbow, always showing me the sunny side of things in life.
Every time I feel like I can’t keep doing this, I have my sweet girl reminding me that I can. It makes me wonder how I even got through the death of my son without having any living children to come home to. Now when I come home, I have this smiling and loving little person that just lights up my life. So strange to feel so much love and life and simultaneously always be in a state of sadness and grief, but this is the life of a loss mom.