Now that I am getting closer to my c-section date, I am having even more mixed feelings about having another boy. After Grayson died, I got pregnant with Addison about nine months later, and I felt relief knowing that she was going to be a girl. I was going through so many mixed emotions at the time, and I felt like I couldn’t handle the deja vu of another boy. Knowing I was having the opposite sex helped me to differentiate between the pregnancy of my stillbirth and the current baby I was having.
Being pregnant after a loss is incredibly difficult in general.
You constantly worry and stress about the death of your child. Throw in some severe medical issues, and it’s a perfect storm. This time around, being pregnant with another boy, I find myself worrying more about the outcome of this pregnancy. I also find myself daydreaming more and more about my loss with Grayson. It is like I am being pulled back into the past, as if my loss just recently happened and not four years ago.
I actually catch myself calling the baby Grayson at times, which is such an odd feeling. I don’t mean to do it, and I don’t feel like this baby is Grayson or replacing him in any way, it just sort of happens. It is a different experience having another boy after you have lost one. I do have to admit, I am a bit nervous about having another baby in general.
With my living daughter, I had such a hard time the first few months.
I wanted to get pregnant and have her so badly, and then when she born, I could barely look at her. I took care of her because I had to, not because I enjoyed it. Postpartum depression and grieving all played a role in how I was feeling at the time. With this current pregnancy, I am more aware of how I may potentially feel, so I am trying to make an effort to be proactive.
I have started medication and am talking to someone who will check in on me after the baby is born.
I know there is a great chance that I can fall back into PPD, but now I know what it looks like and I am trying my best to be aware of it and combat it. I want to enjoy the newborn stage. I want to feel loving, and I want this to be easier on my mind and soul. I know this blog may be a bit all over the place, but it is exactly how I feel lately. My mind jumps from one feeling and emotion and thought to another. I am a jumbled mess lately just trying to get through pregnancy after loss and the next four weeks.