Hitting the 20-week mark has been one of the hardest milestones throughout all of my pregnancies. There is something about hitting 20 weeks that creates a change in my mind. A switch goes off and extreme panic begins to set in.

Mary's 21-week ultrasound: Hitting Milestones

My loss happened when I was 39 weeks and 3 days, but for some reason getting past the 20 mark is when it gets really real for me.

It is not to say the last few weeks haven’t been hard for me, because they have. It is just that, for me, the next few weeks are going to be even harder. Maybe it has something to do with feeling the baby start to kick or something to do with viability if something were to take a turn for the worse. Truth be told, I really don’t know what the reason is, all I know is that I wake up every morning waiting for it to be nighttime so another day can pass in this pregnancy.

I just try to take it day by day and wish that the outcome of this pregnancy will be one where I get to hold my son and hear him cry loud healthy cries.

pregnant woman with shadow of toddler - Mary's Bump Day Blog, Week 21: Hitting Milestones

With this pregnancy, I have even more added stress because of the blood clots I have in both of my lungs. I fear for not only my son’s life but for my own as well. I really try not to pity myself, but sometimes I wonder when is enough enough? When will these terrible things stop happening to me and what did I do to deserve it all?

These types of questions and thoughts do creep into my mind and I try quickly to stomp them out. Thinking like this constantly can lead me in a downward spiral and I do not want that happening. I am trying my best to stay positive during this pregnancy and really hope for the best. I truly wish that I will be lucky enough to remain healthy and to have a healthy son, but only time will tell.

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