I really used to love holidays and especially Christmas time. I used to love setting up the tree, buying presents, making ornaments and that huge Christmas meal! I loved everything about Christmas time. And then, my son passed away.
December 29th, 2016 my life changed forever, and so did my outlook on life and even holidays. Every holiday celebration has become harder for me. There is always someone missing that should be there. Christmas time is especially difficult for me.
This will be our son’s 4th birthday and our third Christmas without him.
In the past couple of years, we haven’t decorated our home, and we haven’t put up a Christmas tree. We put smiles on our faces and went to family dinners, but we just missed our son. Our daughter is now almost two and a half, and it’s time to start creating new traditions and memories for her.
To be honest, I really dread putting up a tree and decorating the house. I feel a heaviness even thinking about it now, but I know it is time, time to start making memories for our daughter.
I know that I am more emotional now because of my current pregnancy, and I just worry I won’t always be able to hold it together. I know it is okay to be sad and show my daughter those emotions, but Christmas time should be exciting, fun, and happy for her.
I hope I am strong enough to keep it together and create some amazing memories for my sweet girl.
I also want to do something special for my son Grayson. Every year I do participate in an ornament swap for him and also collect Christmas cards and birthday cards for him. These traditions to celebrate him have been amazing and really make me feel like I am including him on these special occasions. I would never want to stop these traditions; I really feel like it helps to keep his memory alive for everyone around us. I will always be his mommy, and it will always be my job to make sure he is never forgotten.