I’m sitting here in my hospital bed 18-weeks pregnant, and I keep wondering why pregnancy cannot be easy after you have had a full-term stillbirth?

Mary's 18-week bump: A trip to the ER

Two months ago I was diagnosed with bilateral pulmonary embolisms, this means that I have blood clots in each of my lungs. I immediately had to start taking injections twice daily, these injections are keeping me and this baby boy alive.

Today my morning started out like any other day, I took care of my daughter and took my medication on time. I made breakfast, coffee, and played with my sweet two-year-old. I was just sitting there watching Peppa Pig with my daughter when suddenly I couldn’t breathe.

When you have blood clots in your lungs it is hard to breathe in general, but this was different. I called my husband to come home from work and immediately jumped in the car and drove myself to the ER.

I am currently hooked up to all sorts of machines and I’m sitting here writing this blog. At this point I have no idea if the baby is okay and I have no idea if I am okay, I am just working on staying calm and waiting for the results.

I am no longer the naive person I used to be. I know that terrible things can happen and that just because you have experienced one terrible thing it doesn’t make you immune to more.

I have nothing but time right now waiting for results and I am thinking about Grayson, my sweet son that passed away, and I keep thinking about my daughter and our future. Life is so short and I hope that I’m doing everything I can to stay strong and make my son proud of me I know he’s here with me right now.

I am grateful that I have been lucky enough to make it to 18 weeks so far. Each day that goes by in this pregnancy I feel closer and closer to meeting our son. I am scared, but I am also feeling hopeful despite everything. PALS is nothing short of confusing, wonderful, terrifying, stressful, and a constant stream of mixed emotions.

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