image from inspirationalpicturequotes.blogspot.com

image from inspirationalpicturequotes.blogspot.com

One of the most difficult aspects of dealing with the overwhelming emotions within during my current pregnancy after losing Rowan is talking about or explaining to others how I feel as if I live in two worlds: that of the heartbroken, bereaved mother, and that of the hopeful, expectant mother. It is exhausting, at times, keeping my head above the waves of grief, excitement, anxiety, anticipation, joy, nervousness…the list of conflicting emotions is endless. I’ve encountered people who seem to believe there should be nothing but joy in my life during this time; oh what a luxury that would be! It seems only those who have survived the devastation of losing a child understand the duality of pregnancy after loss.

So how do we bring into harmony these two worlds in which we exist so that we can be at peace with our role as a grieving, expectant mother? The possibilities are endless, and very much depend on who we are and what we need; there is no formula for what will work from one day to the next, let alone from one woman to the next. For me, taking time out to grieve when the need hits me is very important. For instance, last night when I was having trouble falling asleep and couldn’t get Rowan off my mind, I decided to sit at the computer to look at all the photos of the day I brought him into the light. I smiled, I cried, I allowed myself to feel and work through what was keeping me awake which was most definitely the urgent need to look at my sweet bug’s little face, and to remember in vivid detail everything about seeing him for the first time. The release of crying, remembering, and feeling proud when I saw his face in each picture ultimately led to me being able to relax for the night and eventually fall asleep. There are moments when my heartbreak takes over, and I need to pay attention to what my heart is saying so I can experience that grief in order to be able to more fully enjoy the moments of excitement and hope which also come. In doing so, I am praying that I will better be able to deal with the emotions of grief and joy once our second son joins us this Fall.

In the spirit of walking together through this experience, I’d love to hear how you are dealing with the conflicting emotions of a bereaved and expectant mom.

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