This month is a tricky one for me, full of sweet things and also full of sad things. The month our first child was supposed to be born. The month this child will likely be born. The month of Mother’s Day, which is the anniversary of our 40-week “due date” with our first babe. The month where dragonflies make their whimsical debut in the garden afternoon sun, rhubarb stems plump up, firsts of salads, radishes and asparagus, the blossoms of wild strawberries and camas, the birthing of resident deer. The month that reminds me I will always hold one child in my heart and never meet in the flesh.
May will forever be a month of bittersweetness in my heart.
To celebrate my journey of motherhood, I invited a dozen or so dear friends over for a Mother’s Blessing gathering in the garden–some of which are loss mamas themselves. It was a gorgeous sunny peaceful day, filled with beautiful souls and tenderness, as friends shared poems, blessings, reflections, and words of love to me and this baby. I received gifts of the heart, gifts of song, gifts of books, the gift of a hand-spun knitted good-luck charm for baby, the gift of an herbal foot bath and massage, a group gift of postpartum body care, and the gift of a spiritual “sweeping” taught to a friend by one of her tribal elders. My dear husband was the honorary male guest, and his presence in the circle was so perfect.
Funny enough, as I was scything the clover the evening before to make space for the gathering (have you ever seen a 9-months-pregnant woman scything, in this century?), I happened upon yet another bird’s nest! This one is a Dark-eyed junco, nesting on four precious eggs in a nook in the earth. With all these nesting mamas I keep encountering, it truly feels like mother nature and I are aligning,!
This gathering cemented in my heart the immense gift of these incredible loving women I have in my life, who have held me through the tears and the laughter, and who ultimately are here for me no matter what happens.
As I wind down this pregnancy, I am keeping my thoughts easy and my mind steady.
Trying to, anyway. Of course, the fears surface here and there, but these late-pregnancy hormones are making me really chill out majorly. Which is so nice. I pray this baby makes a safe arrival, and we work harmoniously together in trust of the natural order of life. I know I have probably 3+ weeks left of this pregnancy, and I will try my best to be patient as we await the arrival of this previous person. Next week will probably be my last blog post, so I can continue to go inward and embrace the mystery of late pregnancy and birth. I sincerely hope something about my journey has sparked a connection with even one person; more than anything, we loss mamas need each other so we don’t feel so alone in this strange world.