Last week, at 30.5 weeks, I had an elective ultrasound. It’s the first, and only (knock on wood) scan I’ve had this pregnancy, and really there was no real reason to have it other than my own nervousness and need for some extra reassurance. That alone is such a gift, that this pregnancy is so plain and boring! Fingers crossed it stays that way.
Anyway, because of my history, I was getting a bit nervous about how my uterus and placenta were interacting. A D&E for my first birth, and then a hysteroscopic metroplasty 6 months later to snip my uterine septum, makes two instances where my uterus has been poked and prodded. I had this fear that maybe there was scar tissue, or maybe my tiny 0.5 cm septum remnant was wreaking havoc, or maybe my placenta was attached to one of these unlucky places. Though the chances of this are rare, I realized that having extra reassurance and examination was what I needed in order to truly surrender to the birth of my child and feel extra safe and confident in our planned homebirth.
So I did it! I sat on the radiology table and got the 10th ultrasound of my lifetime, this being the first one ever featuring a living baby.
I was so nervous before and during, my eyes welled up, but once I saw that little wriggly critter moving across the screen I couldn’t help but smile. I’m sure some folks are rolling their eyes at this, but I felt super brave, because for me ultrasounds are traumatic and scary and I will avoid them at all costs. I also cried because finally, Andrew could have a positive ultrasound experience. The only two he’d ever seen were of our dead baby on the screen, silent and still and the picture getting fuzzy because of the blood loss and impending birth I was beginning. Although he will never forget those images, I am so grateful he has this positive image to add to his memory bank of pregnancy.
Thankfully the sonographer was jovial and kind and explained everything we saw. Andrew and I were incredibly grateful we didn’t have a somber, silent one this time. She also totally understood the fear and nervousness I felt and held space for me to explain my history and prior loss. Thank goodness for empathetic medical professionals! She was impressed at the amount of hair she saw on our baby’s head, too. Even though the scan was quite quick, she was kind enough to get a few sweet images of our little critter. One is a frontal view of their face, and I swear, that sweet child is smiling. They look identical to my husband when he smiles, and I just can’t stop looking at this image and falling in love more and more every second with this darling little person inside of me.
My midwife called me just past 6:00 that evening with the ultrasound report and shared that everything is absolutely perfect. In every way possible. She also spoke directly with the radiologist, who shared that he saw zero evidence of my surgeries and zero evidence of a prior septum. Kudos to my amazingly competent surgeon from last summer (I’ll be sending him much gratitude and pictures when this babe is born, that’s for sure!).
I cannot tell you how much relief I feel.
Even though it was difficult for me to face this major fear, I feel courage and gratitude for following my intuition and heart. I have a newfound sense of hope and excitement for these final 9(ish) weeks of pregnancy and am so elated to birth this baby.
Oh, and on the drive home, we saw an incredibly vibrant double rainbow over the bay. An extra little gift of hope and love, I do believe.