I am still very much in denial about being near the finish line of this pregnancy. I’m torn between being excited and nervous, and can’t seem to wrap my brain around the possibility of toting around a baby in my arms in a couple of months rather than pushing a wheelbarrow of compost. But, this week I decided to try and make it a bit more real by washing and organizing the baby gear that I’ve had in boxes for the past year and a half.
It was sad, looking at those little clothes, diapers, and trinkets gifted to me for my first baby.
But, it is also comforting knowing that these two siblings are sharing the same belongings, just as any living siblings would do. That car seat we’ve been holding onto and the willow Moses basket my teacher weaved for me, finally getting dusted off and re-examined as they find their place in our newly-expanded home. With my background in children’s education, I’ve collected and created many whimsical and beautiful books and toys over the years and kept them in storage for the “one day” when I get to parent my own children. It’s pretty amazing thinking about the young woman I was when I collected these things, my life journey from there to here, and now finally being able to share these wonders with a child of my own. I, of course, wish I could share these things with both my children. But I do believe that first babe of mine is still here with me in spirit, watching over us all and living with us in a different form, a different version of life.
I am feeling quite balanced these days, fortunately.
My spirit is at ease with the blossoming of spring keeping my heart lifted and light. My body is feeling strong and buoyant and I’m still able to do most everything I want to do (except for all the heavy lifting that needs to happen around here), fortunately. And I’m trying to ease myself into postpartum by taking time each day to lie down, rest, daydream, soak my belly in the sun, put the phone away, and connect with myself and my baby. Time is precious.