I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: as I get further in pregnancy, it does NOT get any easier emotionally and mentally. The outside world is quite certain that now I’m pretty much guaranteed to have a living baby in a few months, which irritates me. Do they not know that time passing is no indication that everything will be fine and end with a living baby?
As I enter the third trimester, I have such a mixed bag of feelings.
Fear that somehow this baby is just not going to make it. Overwhelm at the thought of coming all this way and not having a living baby to show. Awe in having something like 12 weeks left of this pregnancy. Denial that there is going to be an “end” to this pregnancy not too distant in the future. Excitement at the possibility of meeting a child of ours for the first time ever.
For a lot of this pregnancy, I kept thinking, “Once I reach ___ milestone, I’ll feel better.” But, that’s not been the case for me! There’s always one more thing to worry about, one more point of uncertainty. And I know that’s the challenge of mothering a living growing child too, and this worry will be with me forever. So, I’m trying to just get comfortable with the scary stuff, and know that there will never really be a “safe” zone with my children. Sigh. Kind of torture, eh?
Yet still, I am trying desperately hard to really enjoy this pregnancy, even through the uncertainties.
This little baby is happy and active and such a blessing to carry! I’ve been blessed with a very physically easy pregnancy all the way through, and yesterday I spent six hours in the garden squatting to weed, plant seeds, and prep beds (my heart is jumping in joy with the start of the new garden season!). Getting my hands in the dirt and listening to the birds sing their spring songs is healing. My belly is growing bigger every day, and my uterus has now grown up to/under my ribs, which is a pretty ticklish sensation when baby’s legs kick around. I’ve also trained myself to say “when” the baby comes, rather than “if,” even though, of course, there are doubts in my mind.
And, the other night the chorus frogs started singing! They sing until late May and early June whilst looking for love, which means these frogs will keep me company every night until this baby makes an appearance. Wow. Better hold on tight, time is just going to keep on moving quicker and quicker.