Being a military family, we knew the day would come when we would have to say goodbye to Rhode Island. It was our home for nearly 4 years. It was where both of our boys were born–one, still…one, wriggling and wailing. It is where Rowan died, in that home, most likely in our room, while I slept, in our bed…
The reality set in just days before we left. I was lying in bed and sobbing wracked my body. I became, perhaps, irrational, fearing that leaving this home, our room, would also mean leaving Ro’s spirit behind. If he truly left me there, was I now leaving him there? Would his spirit be able to find us in our new home? Christopher offered me comfort, and sensibly reminded me that our Rowan’s spirit was in no way caught in that room, that house, that place, but rather was firmly planted in our hearts, so he would be moving with us wherever we go. And, of course, he was right. Amid the tiring routine of packing certain items, worrying about how the move would affect Homer, and making sure we had all of our affairs in order, I had forgotten the truth: Rowan is with us, ALWAYS; no matter where our lives take us geographically, he comes with us.
We made it to our new home, several hundred miles away, and I’m satisfied that like us, Rowan has occupied the space. Like he did in Rhode Island, Homer still gazes off over my shoulder and beams his sweet smile in baby revelry during story time, or sleepy time, and I’m convinced, as I have been since he was born, that he is seeing his big brother Rowan making silly faces at him or just smiling at him from beyond. Call me crazy. Call me strange. Whatever you call me, remember, I am the Momma of TWO beautiful boys, and like any Momma, I want them to love each other, to know each other…I want them with me wherever I am.
I know they always will be with me, the two halves of my heart, existing outside of my body–one in Heaven, and one in our home.
I’m one blessed Momma.