Guest post by Alexandra Kruthaupt
I am learning that pregnancy after loss is such a strange place. It’s like I am in between realities. Just thinking about things daily and not letting myself think too far ahead. It’s been hard to imagine bringing this baby home alive and to be honest, I haven’t let myself do that too often. Fear always creeps in when I think about the future. I constantly wonder, what if this happens again, what if this baby dies too? I think just about everyone has tried to say “Things will be ok this time, things will turn out just fine”. But the truth is, no one really knows that. That’s what we thought last time and that was NOT what happened. I thought to myself early on “This can’t happen to someone twice.” But that is just naive to think.
I’ve been trying to do some exercises more recently to try and lean more into this pregnancy despite the fear and anxiety that overpowers me. I’ve thought back to my pregnancy with Dougie. And while I am so sad that he is not with us today, I am grateful for the 9 months I was given to be with him. All he knew was love, from the moment we found out he was growing inside my belly. I will continue to try and show this baby as much love as we showed Dougie, despite the possibilities of what could happen. After all, life is short. If this baby only has 9 months to grow inside of me or 50,60,70 more to grow outside of me, I will show him all the love in the world and not let the death of his brother overshadow the excitement we truly do feel for him.
Life is short, we are not guaranteed tomorrow, only today…
and today everything is ok.