This week had some challenging moments.
I spent two full days with near constant contractions and pelvic pressure, a lovely side-effect of one doozy of a yeast infection.
I knew the contractions were from the infection and that once I got it under control, they should go away, but that didn’t really help my fears when it felt like I was going into labor. I wondered if I’d be having to put that fetal viability question to the test. No amount of resting, drinking water, or side-lying would help, and I started to imagine how I would care for our four children with a baby in the NICU. My husband just started at a new job. How would it look to his new employers if I had to go on bed rest?
All of these worries might seem a bit extreme to some (it’s just a yeast infection, for goodness’ sake!), but having lived through these scenarios once, I find it hard not to go there again in my thoughts. I know you all understand. My mind was racing, and I struggled to find peace.
I’m not really one for affirmations. I struggle with saying or thinking things like “I am worthy of this baby” or “My baby will be healthy” because, well, what does that mean about my other pregnancies? Was I not worthy of my twins? Did I not deserve them? Am I more worthy or deserving than someone who may have a subsequent loss with their pregnancy? You see, I just can’t say those things to myself because I don’t believe them. I know they help some people, but I am just not one of those people.
But here’s what I know: my baby is okay today. He’s okay right now. And if I go into labor or on bed rest tomorrow for some reason, we will take that one day – one moment – at a time, too. That is my constant reminder for this pregnancy, and I hope it carries on: don’t worry about what could be, what might be, or what will be, focus on what is.
So, the infection cleared up (along with my fears), and my contractions stopped.
And I was so thankful for the relief that I ordered the first tiny outfit for our little guy.
I love him so much already.
Thanks for following along with me!