To the Mother keeping her rainbow pregnancy a secret,
I want you to know that I understand and your secret is safe with me.
I was right where you were so I know how much it takes for you to be brave right now. What you have been through was traumatic. And still is. It took so much from you to make it to this point and it is okay if you are scared, we all were.
How are you feeling? Are you angry Mama? Are you wondering how anyone could ask you to do this again? Or are you cautiously excited? Whatever the answer is, you are right to feel that way.
I remember thinking then that I couldn’t trust my own body yet, so how could I ever trust anyone else with this secret? Are you wondering if you could trust those around you too?
You want to tell the world but the world didn’t stand by you when you were at your most vulnerable. I understand Mama. I want you to know that we are standing with you no matter what happens next.
I see you smiling to yourself, despite your better judgment. You know you shouldn’t feel joy yet but it’s creeping into you. I can see it.
Are you unconsciously touching your belly right now? Careful Mama, you might give your secret away. But isn’t it amazing how protective you already feel? Maybe even more so this time around.
Do you dare enter that baby store and look at baby clothes or is it too soon for you? It’s okay if it is too soon, you can come back to it later, and maybe then there will be a super sale on just for you.
Oh Mama, is that guilt you’re feeling now? I know it can be confusing feeling like you are in two places at once but I promise you, neither place is permanent. And you are headed to a most beautiful place. A place where you love and honor the life that was by living and loving the life that is.
Is the morning sickness better or worst this time around? Tell me, are you taking care of yourself love? Are you eating well and staying hydrated? Are you rested?
Are your regular clothes growing tight yet? Is this the furthest along you have ever been to?
Will you be sticking with your old doctor or do you think a change will be better for you? I decided to change doctors and instantly loved my new OBGYN. Do you feel loved and supported by your doctor?
Did you take any pictures yet? I was too afraid to take any pictures during my rainbow pregnancies but now I take pictures of them all the time. I don’t want to miss a single moment and you won’t want to either.
There is so much I want to tell you, but this is your journey.
You have to take each step as you see fit, but just know you do not have to take it alone. You can find your tribe of Mamas just like you, who have walked the same road you are on now. We are cheering for you, praying for you and waiting for you to join us.
So I will keep your secret for as long as you need me to, and when you are ready to share with the world I will celebrate with you. Not only for the precious life you are carrying but I will celebrate you. For looking fear in the face and announcing to the world that you are not broken. For your resilience and strength. I will raise my glass to you for learning to trust your body and your instincts and for asking the hard questions and not taking no for answer.
Mostly, I will celebrate you for doing all that you can to protect your baby. Without expensive car seats and baby proofing tools, you are protecting your child and he or she is so very lucky to call you Mama.
Love and Light,
A Rainbow Mama
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See the author, Natasha Carlow, read her love letter as part of our book launch party: