29 Weeks! Wow! Our baby boy is reaching so many milestones that I am incredibly so proud about. I have been feeling and seeing his kicks more intensely now which helps me bond with him. I love how when I wonder when he will move he reads my mind almost and starts to move. I still notice the anxiety is still there when I do not feel him as much on some days or he switches when he sleeps and decides to move. However, just knowing he is growing in me and moving every day has increasingly helped me to trust the process a lot better.
It’s wonderful to realize that when I may be laying in the bed while hubby has gone to work, I am not alone in that room, baby boy is with me. He feels my energy, and I have to be honest, this week was very challenging for me. I felt tested on so many levels by my emotions and just the physical pain that I was dealing with.
Behind a smile, I still deal with the challenges of pregnancy.
When I look back at the first trimester and second trimester, I truly was navigating the pregnancy after loss which weighed so heavily on me that I ended up masking the physical pain as much as I could to tell myself that I did not have to focus on that. The reality that I had to come to terms with was that physical pain also brought trauma in my life. When I went through two major knee surgeries, it made me feel weak and different from everyone around me. I never understood why I had to constantly go through pain.
I really struggled to discuss my trauma being experiencing pain after surgeries because it’s something that I felt I could not talk about and I just needed to work hard to work through the pain. This week made me realize that I was starting to feel “helpless” and I was scared of going back into the depressive state that I was in before. The sciatica and round ligament pain I have been experiencing has been so severe that it has brought to me to tears this week. I had to allow myself to know that it is okay for me to take a rest, a break, and say that I am in pain and it’s uncomfortable.
I feel like the narrative is different when you go through infertility. You are scared to just talk about how hard pregnancy is because you have struggled to get here for so long and you must remain grateful and thankful. I always felt that way and knew I would be that way when pregnant. However, the reality is it’s different when I also went through loss. Having that weight, knowing my risks, and then going through pain and the changes of my body, also can create fear when you are someone that is battling with PTSD. When I sat and reflected on this, I really saw how this all connects.
Positive Affirmations I said to myself:
- The pain I am having is worth talking about.
- The pain is temporary.
- I deserve to do something each week to help relieve the pain.
- I deserve to continue to enjoy this pregnancy.
- I will get through this.