27 weeks! Wow! Approaching the end of the second trimester. It’s amazing to be at this point knowing that my husband’s and my life is about to change! What we have prayed and waited for is on its way! I can’t deny that even though I am excited, I am anxious as well. I also realized this is the week that Mother’s Day is approaching. I feel like I am not only reaching milestones but also having to approach holidays and dates that were hard for me. People may think once you receive your blessings you forget about everything else. That is not true. Trauma still lingers.
Mother’s Day last year was the day I was actually triggered because every other year, it never affected me even when dealing with infertility. I would focus on my own mother on the holiday mainly. Now. last year was different. It was the year I experienced my first loss of our daughter just a month before Mother’s Day.
I remember Mother’s Day being so difficult on that day because it reminded me that I carried life and people would not see me as a mother on this holiday.
For my husband, the day was already hard being that his father who passed away, his birthday was on the same day. To carry the grief of not only your parent you still kiss years later but then the grief of losing your child is difficult. I cried and screamed on that day asking God to please take my pain away and give me signs. Now fast forward to this year, I feel like I get to celebrate this holiday knowing I am carrying our rainbow baby.
Mother’s Day still felt weird to me. I woke up still remembering last year and what would have been. But, the thought didn’t linger for too long. I then held my bump and smiled knowing I have reached a huge milestone where I can feel baby’s movements and kicks as I continue to progress in the pregnancy. It’s still amazing how I can have tears of joy, not tears of pain.
The day was filled with all great love from family and friends. I received loads of text messages wishing me a happy Mother’s Day. Gifts and flowers from my husband and family made the day even more special. Last year, I still received kind messages from some friends wishing me Happy Mother’s Day even after I went through loss.
I was still triggered on Mother’s Day too. Two people in my life had said Happy “Pre Mother’s Day” to me, and that actually hurt my feelings. I felt it brought me back to last year feeling like okay I carried life but it doesn’t count until the baby is in your arms. And fast forward to now with me still carrying life, it’s technically not “Mother’s Day” for me because our baby boy is not in our arms yet.
It just goes to show how people still paint this narrative that being a mother is having a child when he or she is here. But, to me, that’s not true. Once you carry life, you are a mother. Once I had all my embryos from IVF, I am technically still a mother because my babies are being created! I allowed myself to be upset but just remembered I can’t control how people view things, but I can control how I decide to move about my day which was to bond with my baby and enjoy the rest of the day.
Infertility still stings. Loss still stings. I wish people would be more aware of this.
I am a mother and have been a mom. When baby boy comes, that will not be my first Mother’s Day. This is my first Mother’s Day. I worked hard to be a mom and that still counts with me carrying my baby boy in my womb. I am protecting him just like I would when he is here with us. Watching my every move, staying healthy, and being mindful of the decisions I make. Having the best team of doctors to ensure baby and I are safe. Taking infant care classes to learn more on important tools to take care of baby. This is all a part of motherhood. I am already the best mom to our son.