25 Weeks! A week later from when I hit viability. It’s all sinking in how time is flying by in this pregnancy. I am truly grateful for it and most importantly so proud of myself for celebrating each milestone and not letting fear or anxiety drown me completely that I cannot enjoy this pregnancy.
This week was a great week and a very important one as well. This week was NIAW (National infertility Awareness Week).
I was involved in several projects, focused on showing that women of color also struggle with infertility. This is big to me as I have been really bringing attention to Representation Matters. Also, was involved in one picture that showed couples which is so important to include your spouse to as it shows that infertility can affect the whole family unit.
I decided not to hide away during NIAW. I realized that even if I am pregnant, it does not change my story of the pain and struggle that I went through dealing with infertility for years and how it still affects me now even pregnant living with PTSD from miscarriage through IVF treatment. It’s the reality that there is truly no control one has with this journey and you never know when your story will turn into a testimony. As I am living with a testimony to share, I felt it was important to embrace the testimony and give people the space to also relate to posts that I would post about infertility from an infertility warrior herself.
This week we saw baby boy!
It was such a special moment that my husband and I truly enjoyed because we were able to see our son’s face more clearly. We’re trying to figure out who he looks like. During the weekend, I could not stop looking at this face! Our precious baby boy is growing and ready to be in our arms soon. He is so beautiful and already looks like a combination of Mom and Dad.
I want to include two poems I wrote.
The first one I wrote during IUI treatments to speak into existence that our baby will be here soon. The next one is a small quote I never fully finished but it was after the loss of our first baby girl. These quotes reflect how amazing of a Mother I already am and how amazing I will be as a mother when baby boy arrives.
I wasn’t expecting to want you yet.
PCOS diagnosis came and I began to fret.
So many thoughts ran through my mind.
My whole brain felt like ropes in a bind.
I began to look for answers of the reason why?
Mommy and Daddy went to see a fertility specialist.
Tests were done, one treatment and there was no benefit.
Instead, I was told there was a septum blocking my uterus.
I was feeling very futureless
I really thought this was some type of curse, I can’t even deny. Then, I started to envision me being a mother
And I said why even bother?
But the specialist said no, the septum needs to be removed. Surgery will help.
All I could think of was I better be in good health.
One year later, still did not conceive.
We were in disbelief.
Mommy decided to take charge of working on herself mentally.
There were many tears and feelings of pain most definitely.
Turned those feelings into taking travel trips positively.
Mommy and Daddy just wanted to live life without worry.
We had time till at least thirty!.
But, that still did not take the pain away.
Mommy did not like to see negative pregnancy tests but she had to take them anyway.
Due to symptoms that felt like pregnancy or maybe it was all in my mind because I just wanted to see you.
I started to realize how much my heart longed for the idea of carrying you.
Something clicked in my mind that I had to do something differently.
Mommy & Daddy decided to both change their diet which made a big difference ultimately.
Things started to fall in place.
I was still so anxious and there were many inner emotions I had to face.
With abundant prayer and constant hope.
I felt content and started to cope.
As God stated if you ask, you shall receive.
I asked. I believed. and We CONCEIVED.
Lord, I pray that this pain will turn into joy.
The tears will turn into smiles.
This heartache will turn into butterflies.
That I will see the light in the end.
Reaching over to my rainbow baby.
Holding he or she in my arms.