20 Weeks! Baby Beanie is the size of a sweet potato. WOW! It really is still fascinating to me the milestones that I am reaching. I am trying my best to keep my mind on all the good things happening and limit any catastrophizing thoughts due to my past experience with loss and dealing with PTSD. This is very common to have thoughts that if something bad happened before, there is a chance it can happen again. Pregnancy after loss is hard, but I have to admit there is still a blessing out of it, carrying a rainbow baby and knowing that your life is about to change in the ways in which you have been waiting for it too!

Jasmine's 20-week bump with crib in box: Starting the Nursery

Author’s Personal Collection/Jasmine Simmons

So, bring on 20 weeks and above! I am halfway completely!

This week consisted of me relaxing! I am usually on the go, wanting to get my daily walks in but the weather was so cold and rainy that I really truly did not want to do anything. My round ligament pain and sciatica pain has really gotten intense, and it has really dawned on me more that my body is fully changing and baby boy is taking over. It really is hard for me to complain because I am so tolerant of pain, but it doesn’t mean that it is not uncomfortable. I just try to do all I can, such as stretching to relieve the pain. I just remind myself that this is what pregnancy entails. There are some days where you will very uncomfortable. 

Great things did happen this week. The crib and dresser arrived to our home! Now things are really setting in. My husband and I have been discussing what else is needed for the nursery room, and I even made more orders for certain items. The main focus for us is to start setting up baby boy’s room. The first project will be for hubby to paint the room.

I feel like setting up a nursery room is always exciting for anyone. However, I have to key on the fact that it hits different for couples who have gone through infertility and loss.

Why? Well, for my husband and me, we have been living in our home for almost seven years. I would say in 2018 when we fully started to try to conceive, the room has always been chosen for where our future baby will be. Our family would even always call the same room we envisioned to be the nursery room “the baby room.”

I have sat in the nursery room many times, especially during our first round of treatments for IUI in 2018. I prayed, cried, and even bought faith purchases to start speaking into existence that one day soon, this room will be more than just a storage room. It will be filled with all items for our baby. Over time, it was really hard for me to want to go into the room after failed rounds of IUI. I truly struggled to envision how I wanted the room to look. I would break down and cry, even lay on the carpet asking God, “Why is this room still empty? When will it be filled with our blessing?” Even after we lost our first baby, it became harder to even go into that room because I felt just when we were about to envision room for baby, it felt like it was taken away from us. What happened? Well, we continued to put more things into that room. However, before the third round of IVF, I discussed with hubby how we needed to clear the room out since we may be welcoming a baby at some point and we should do it. Look now, I am pregnant with our rainbow baby and now we really are “clearing” out the room and starting to plan for our baby’s arrival. 

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