18 weeks!! I can’t believe baby boy is the size of a cucumber. Just one week away from being halfway since the doctors at the practice I go to have decided I will most likely be induced by 38 weeks due to the risk of preeclampsia. It’s amazing to be at this stage. I feel baby movements every day, and it’s such a surreal feeling. He seems to react to voices and music. Hubby even read a book to him one night. I have been getting in the habit of singing to him every day and realized he starts to move when I sing “Hush Little Baby.”
This week has been a very calm week.
My anxiety seems to be controlled better and that has helped me a lot to be able to slow my mind down and continue to do all the things I need to do since this is a high-risk pregnancy. For instance, staying active almost every day if I can since the weather is nicer, I go on walks. Also, I’m maintaining the carb-controlled diet and paying attention to checking my blood sugar four times a day. This week I had my regular checkup and had to do a 24-hour urine test to check my protein levels. Thankfully, I passed that! With being at risk of preeclampsia, I have to be monitored closely, especially with having gestational diabetes.
So, the month of March is when we lost our first baby last year.
I have been thinking of loss randomly and even about her and what would have been. Even though I am happy for baby boy that we are having and claiming he will be in our arms, family and friends may not realize how this month can be very hard for me mentally, being it can bring back flashbacks. So far, I am doing okay. I am able to say positive mantras as much as I can and validate my feelings when I think of baby girl.
I always used to wonder how I would be as a mother and during this week, I reflected on how amazing of a mother I am already. I still love our first baby I carried for a limited amount of time. When people ask is this your first baby, I always say we lost our first baby girl but our baby boy is our first baby on earthside. With the milestones that I have reached with baby boy, at times it brings anxiety just to see how far I have gotten and how much I love him so much that I don’t want to ever let go. It’s the same feeling I had for our first baby girl. It truly is a lot to carry life and also then remember when you carried life before this as well. So much added on weight at times, but I am embracing it and remembering that I still deserve to enjoy every single moment with our baby boy. I remember when I would pray and cry about our first we lost, I asked her to please protect her sibling that will be in our arms. I prayed to God to protect my womb and make way for the next baby. Everything literally I had spoken into existence, and I am living it now.
So, this week I went to a friend’s drive-by baby shower.
This was another step for me to choose faith over fear. Seeing my friend Kristianna reach great milestones, already in the third trimester, after all she has been through, made me realized that there is still joy to have with the baby that you are carrying. No matter the losses, you will always love each baby you carry. I am incredibly so happy for my friend, and she gave me hope when she was pregnant before me. Then look at us, pregnant together with our rainbow babies. Despite the storm, there is always a bright light worthy of celebration.
Talking about baby showers, my sister had reached out to me a week before wanting to meet and discuss the planning. At that time, I was not ready and told her I have anxiety about all the things that are to come next. She told me, whenever you a ready. This week, I had decided I wanted to meet. I felt, what’s the harm discussing it and starting some of the planning? The weeks are going by so fast anyway. I was able to find a picture that goes with the theme that I want for our baby shower. We agreed on a date, bought a few things to recreate that picture, and decided the baby shower will be a drive-by. I even took that step to create the invitation on my own! This was me stepping on faith allowing myself to start doing some of the things that prepare for our bundle of joy.
As for the registry, I have improved and have been adding more and more items on there. Each day, I am getting better, but the anxiety is still there. I have to literally face that fear every day head-on and find new ways on how to work through it. Faith over Fear. My faith in what God has planned is really helping me to keep myself grounded.