14 Weeks! Baby Beanie is a size of a Navel Orange. Looks like I am right into the second trimester. If anyone told me this would be where I am at this moment, I would still have a hard time believing it. When you go through infertility and loss, it changes your perspective on things because you start to wonder when and if it will happen. I remember I had dreamt of this day to reach milestones, but I could never picture it solely. It is amazing to watch my story/journey right in the front line with everyone else following along. 

This week has been full of so many emotions.

I realized more about my anxiety this week. I feel like after we officially announced the week before but when I realized how far along I am getting, my anxiety reached a peak this week. For one, I saw others announce their loss around the same week I was in, and that borough me some sadness. But, I had to remind myself that I can be sad and empathetic, and I still have my own journey and my testimony that I am holding on to strongly. It truly is hard to see others who have been waiting for years and connected with their babies to then experience such a heartbreaking loss. 

Let’s talk about baby registries.

I have been asked so many times about when will I start up the baby registry, or they tell me when I do, I should publicize it. For some reason, it has been so hard for me to continue putting items in the registry. I was able to put about three items in the baby registry weeks ago and I had a mini anxiety attack and stopped. I never thought that creating a registry would bring about so much anxiety for me. But, it dawned on me that there will be a lot that will surprise me throughout this pregnancy, especially because it is a pregnancy after loss. I was able to express my emotions fully with a few friends, and even my husband offered to help put some items in the registry too so we can do it together. Ladies, please remember that your husbands are there. That truly did help my anxiety with that knowing I have him right there by my side to help with that. 

Jasmine holds ultrasound photo - Week 14: Surprising Emotions in Pregnancy After Loss

Author’s Personal Collection/Jasmine Simmons

So, this week I did see baby!

Yes, two weeks later after the NT scan. However, this time we had a private scan. The reality is when you go through infertility and loss, the anxiety is heightened, and I will do everything I can to ensure my mental health is fine. If booking a private scan every once in a while will help, then yes I will do it. 

The Licensed Sonographer that we see, Ashley, is the best! Our baby has so much personality. Baby Beanie was scratching their head, punching and moving around so much. That brought immense joy to my heart, to not only witness the growth of our baby but to have my husband there to see. With COVID-19, the hospital has limited support persons, so he was unable to attend the main scan I first had.

We wanted a very nice updated ultrasound picture for our Photoshoot. We decided to do a journey photoshoot to highlight how special this pregnancy is to us and to finally reveal baby’s gender. We did the photoshoot in the snow, and it is going to be such beautiful pictures that I cannot wait to share.

Our baby is growing! We have so much love and joy. But, the anxiety is present and I am doing everything I can to balance that anxiety out. In the next few weeks, I will be focusing on more meditation and journaling. 

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