I have been fortunate in my PAL journey. I get to talk to women about my experiences and I am constantly comforted by kind words from strangers. Never once has someone told me to stop talking about my loss (if they thought it, at least they didn’t say it).
I have been told things, by other loss moms, that give me a sense of purpose. When a woman tells me how I’ve helped her realize that there can be life after loss, it gives my loss purpose. It makes me feel like Jack didn’t die for nothing, and that I don’t have to suffer alone or in the dark. But I feel like I need to be honest about my progress.
I still cry. A lot.
I cry randomly in my car, on my way home from work. Sometimes at night I’ll cry until I’ve exhausted myself to sleep. I cry when I watch movies or television shows that talk about loss, and sometimes they aren’t even talking about loss but something has triggered me to cry about Jack. I still miss him every single day, and sometimes I question how I’m supposed to just continue on without him.
I still get jealous when people announce that they’re pregnant, even though I am too—I envy their pregnancy innocence. When someone is announcing their second child, I think about how their new baby gets to be with his or her big brother or sister, and my child has to grow up without her big brother. It’s hard, and I fake a smile, but the feelings are still there.
I am terrified that I will miss him at every single event in my life. Most of all, I am terrified that Bo will think I just wished he was there. Which isn’t true.
And that’s where you see the happiness. I know that I’ve made this pregnancy a lot about Jack. How can you possibly not? After all, his death factors into my pregnancy—I don’t go into the OB office twice a week just because they missed me; I go because it’s medically necessary following my previous pregnancy.
As much as I miss Jack and want him every second, of every day, I love being Bo’s mom too. I want this pregnancy to be happy, and I want to make it special. So I do things to make it special, and I document her growth as much as I can. I’m already planning the things we’ll do together, and my thoughts are all about her arrival.
When she looks back at this pregnancy, she’ll see a lot of Jack. She’ll see the sadness I felt and the difficulty in this journey. But I hope what she sees even more, is the excitement I felt while I waited for her. The love I felt for her every second.