Sometimes I hate that I feel the need to say whatever I can to ease the discomfort of others. Throughout my PAL journey I have dealt with the question, “Is this your first child?” more than I care to admit. We talk about this question a lot, and every woman chooses to answer this the way that best fits them.
I answer that this is my second child, and we lost our first. I always add that we lost our son because it cuts off the next question, which almost always is about my first child. But as I watch a look of panic come across the face of the poor, innocent stranger who only wanted to create a little polite small talk, I’ll sometimes add: “So this is the first we’re taking home.”
I do this because I feel like it relieves some of their discomfort. And while I continue to use this phrase, it finally got me thinking: I get to take this baby home.
The absolute hardest thing about losing a baby, is the feeling that you had to give him back. In that hospital bed, swollen from my complications and the hours of continuous tears, I was presented with a precious child. I had felt every minute of that labor and delivery, and I was so excited (while also devastated) to see his face. That beautiful, still face.
And for a few hours we felt as normal as we could. We held him, took pictures, and just marveled in how he really was a perfect combination of us. He had my husband’s curly hair, and my mouth. He was so gorgeous, and for a moment we almost forgot that this day would be it…this was the first, and last day we would see him.
So after a few hours, the time came to give him back to the nurse. We had to say goodbye, and watch as our little boy was taken out of the room. And that was it.
It’s finally setting in that I might have a chance to keep a baby. If Bo continues to grow and be healthy, we will get to take her with us this time—I don’t have to give her back. That is probably the most amazing feeling in the world, and something most definitely taken for granted by many parents. It’s something I focused on this week, and it’s helped me cope with any anxiety I might otherwise feel.
Only five more weeks, or less, and I have the opportunity to take a baby home with me.