I finally made it. We’re in the 30’s, and it feels like this is actually happening. While the first half of the pregnancy flew by, I felt like I’d be in the 20-week window forever. Of course, with that excitement comes the nerves. We are now rapidly approaching the mark where I lost Jack.
While I feel like I’m being watched well, it’s still scary to think that any day now it could happen again. As I sat in the Maternal Fetal Medicine office this morning, I talked a little about the anxiety that I’m having. We talked about how my fluid levels looked great, my blood pressure was actually on the lower side of normal, and I’m not even having normal pregnancy swelling, let alone abnormal like I had with Jack. As of now, the signs just aren’t there.
So much so, I was released from MFM today. I will continue twice a week ultrasounds, but they’ll be conducted by my regular OB. This is fantastic news, but then again, I was perfectly healthy at this point with Jack. All I can do is just look for signs.
The one comfort I have is the MFM OB told me to never feel like I couldn’t go to the hospital. He reassured me that normal women worry, and he can’t even imagine how I am dealing with my anxiety (funny enough he actually remarked on how calm I seemed). He told me that if I want to go to the hospital every single day, no one could blame me. And that brought me a lot of comfort. At this point, I can’t just sit and wait to see if something goes away or if her movements come back. I have to be proactive for her sake.
I know the next two weeks will be emotional. I already find myself crying in my car on my drive home, and thinking back to those last precious weeks I had with Jack. I look at the last picture I posted of my belly, and think about how I never could have imagined the pregnancy would be over just afterward. It makes me upset to think that I could lose Bo too, and I just try to live each day with her like it could be her last. While you try to be cautious after loss, I’m thankful I’ve let myself enjoy this pregnancy. Sometimes this is all we get, and I never want to feel like I didn’t enjoy her life while it was here.