This is a topic I have thought about writing about for months but just couldn’t piece it all together. I read another great article on the topic from PALS that really helped reframe some of my thoughts a few weeks ago. Since even the earliest days of this pregnancy that green-eyed monster we all hate has been there.
Jealousy. It’s a challenging and undesirable emotion that can really be difficult to express and keep in check.
The first time I noticed this strange new feeling was hearing others’ announcements shortly after we learned we were pregnant. This was such a strange feeling. I’m pregnant and found out someone else is pregnant. Shouldn’t I be happy for them? Excited to share the experience? Shouldn’t I reach out to them? It’s hard to pinpoint what exactly makes seeing announcements so challenging but still at 29 weeks pregnant they hit me in a totally different way.
Partly I think it’s jealously in the innocence of their excitement and happiness instead of the bombardment of other emotions I experienced when I saw those two pink lines. Fear, anxiety, stress, and worry to name a few. The additional worry when I see a pregnancy announcement is that I am scared something bad will happen to their baby. After experiencing a miscarriage I would never wish it upon anyone. When I see pregnancy announcements I’m scared for them, scared something will happen, scared they don’t know what might happen and that they won’t be prepared.
Throughout this pregnancy, I have sought to connect with others who are pregnant, a strange dichotomous decision. I truly do want to connect with others that are pregnant and in the same stage of their lives. On the other hand, I am often envious and jealous of how easy their pregnancy looks. I am aware this is often a complete assumption on my part, everyone has challenges and I could be blissfully unaware of theirs. After being told that I was at risk for pre-term labour at 20 weeks, having to take medication and have a procedure to keep babe safe, it sure has been a whirlwind. I am envious of those women that have “normal,” not high-risk pregnancies. It seems their pregnancies are straightforward, simple, and “by the book.” I long for the excitement and ease they often seem to exude.
Lastly, interacting with those that have recently had babies has presented a new challenge.
I still think about how our life would have been if we had not lost our first pregnancy. Our first babe would be about 6 months old. Watching others raise their babies while we already could have had our own is incredibly challenging. While I am grateful every day for sweet pea kicking away happily inside me, seeing those with new babies is sometimes a reminder of what we should already have.
While pregnancy comes along with many symptoms, jealousy is one I was not prepared for and one that I am still learning to navigate.