With the holiday season upon us, it feels like to should be the most wonderful time of the year! In some ways it is, and I remind myself daily (with the help of my husband) to be grateful for what we have. Everything in this pregnancy is going well so far, I feel better and we are 14 weeks and 4 days.
However, I know this Christmas could have and should have looked very different for us.
If our first baby was with us, they would be 3 months old. It would be their first Christmas. We would be buying baby Christmas things, celebrating with our family of three, and starting new traditions together.
Not celebrating this Christmas as a family of three is not as poignant or painful as the other losses we have experienced but it is still a loss. Of course, having a miscarriage is a loss and most people recognize it as such. What people don’t always realize (I sure didn’t) is the plethora of losses that can follow. The loss of trust and confidence in your own body, the loss of hope, the loss of the future you envisioned, the loss of feeling peace and joy in future pregnancies. The list could go on and on, as many of us know.
This Christmas season in a way feels like many others, we are continuing with traditions my husband and I have established and sharing it with family and friends. But it also feels different. This is the first Christmas where having a child was in the cards for us, where we could have had a child, actually should have a child.
I purchased a new ornament this year that says, “You were carried for only a moment, but you are loved for a lifetime.”
This year marks the start of a new Christmas tradition for us. Hanging the ornament together and taking a moment to remember our first pregnancy and all that could have been. And as we move into a new year, I am hopeful and excited but never want to forget all that happened this year and everything it taught us.
So while I am grateful for what we have and thankful for the health of this pregnancy thus far, there are always moments to take time to remember our babies that are not with us. If you’re reading this I wish you health, peace, and comfort this holiday season!