I am so glad I’m not going past 37 weeks. I’m tired, achy and in pain, hungry all the time, but eating too much is painful… the countdown is well and truly on. Three more checkups, three more weekends to try and fill, three more weeks of counting down the days, the hours.

Issy's Bump Day Blog, Week 34: Baby steps will get us there

Author’s Personal Collection/Issy Jorden

This week, I had a growth scan and then saw my doctor.

Previously, I had been having scans with my consultant directly, but due to her clinics getting full, my last few scans have been with a regular sonographer. I didn’t quite realize the difference this would make – at one appointment a few weeks ago, the sonographer clearly hadn’t read my notes and asked me if this was my first baby. When I told him our first was stillborn, he followed up a few minutes later with: “So, have you got everything prepared?” I responded, “Well, we got everything prepared last year…” At the time, I felt bad for making things awkward, but in retrospect, I hope he did feel uncomfortable – how hard is it to read the notes?!

The most recent scan wasn’t as bad, but her casual cheeriness wasn’t the most comforting. I saw my doctor afterward, and she was kind and understanding, as always. We discussed putting me at the top of the list for c-sections on delivery day so that, hopefully, excluding emergencies or more complicated situations, we won’t have to be waiting around all day. Even so, I came home from the appointment and cried, then lay on the sofa feeling pathetic for the rest of the day. I took the next day off sick from work, physically and emotionally drained.

The rest of the week was calmer.

I’m trying to find comfort and distraction when I can, and we’ve agreed that the next few weeks warrant a few more treat foods and special meals out than we would normally have. It’s been just over 10 months since Dottie was stillborn, and I keep thinking we’ve got through the worst part, the most intense time – but really, I think these next three weeks are going to put that to the test. I’m not an expert on trauma, but I’m aware that my brain is dealing with a lot of confusion right now. It feels sometimes like I’m reliving last year, and we’re about to replay the worst months of our lives.

But this is a different pregnancy with the potential for a different outcome.

I’ve got one more week at work before I start maternity leave. I had hoped to go a bit longer to serve as a distraction, but I think what I need more at the moment is rest and low expectations for anything else.

Another (tiny) milestone this week is that I’ve ordered a hospital bag.

It’s possible we already had something that I could have used… but shopping is a stress reflex for me, and I decided that packing a hospital bag felt more doable after treating myself to something new for the occasion. Maybe in the next couple of weeks, I’ll be able to tell you that I’ve actually packed it, or bought some nappies, or washed some baby clothes… we’ll see?! Baby steps, I suppose. However slow time feels, baby steps will get us there.

Read Past Bump Day Blogs from Issy:

More on this topic:

Share this story!