I saw a post on Twitter this week that said “You win some and you lose some and you lose some and you lose some and you lose some and–” It made me laugh, and it felt relatable. We’ve just had two weeks off for the Easter holidays (perks of working in education), and the first week was lovely. We saw family, visited beaches, watched TV, and felt thoroughly relaxed.

Heart-shaped stone on the beach - Issy's bump day blog, Week 31: Breaks the Camel's Back

Shutterstock/Mirelle

We knew that approaching the second week of the holidays would come with increasing “back to work” stress, but it hit with more of a bang than we expected.

A brief health scare, both cars needing repairs and taking a big chunk out of our savings, a warranty company that won’t pay out… On top of the usual anxieties, monitoring baby’s movements, prenatal appointments, and sitting in waiting rooms surrounded by happy, hopeful, expectant parents.

Tom starts a new job this week, which is a good step for him but means he’ll be slightly further away from home for slightly longer hours than we’ve been used to. I think I’m as nervous as he is. He is my safe place, my comfort in times of anxiety, and his being that bit further away from home scares me.

These things are all manageable. We are lucky to have two cars, both in good working order now. We will build our savings back up, and we have safety nets in case of emergency. We both have our health. Tom’s new job is a good thing, an exciting step. Today our baby is alive and healthy.

But all these things on top of each other? It’s been a lot.

The straw that breaks the camel’s back, except instead of straw, it’s slabs of concrete, and instead of a camel, it’s living with grief and trying to carry on with life as if everything’s okay.

At each medical appointment, I get asked by everyone I see, with a head tilt and change in tone, “And how’s your mental health?” I never know how to answer. I’m scared that my baby will die, like my last baby did. I’m scared all the time. I’m irritable, I’m paranoid, I overthink every symptom. The circle of people I’m willing to socialize with without feeling irrationally angry at every comment they make is getting smaller. But is that any different from what you’d expect? I’m not sure anymore.

I wish I could say that this pregnancy is a healing, hopeful experience. But it’s still just hard.

Some days I feel as though I’m about to break, for good, though I’m not sure what that would look like. So I’m sorry I can’t give you inspiration for how to have a hopeful pregnancy after loss. But if you’re finding things hard, I hope you at least feel like you’re not alone.

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