I had expected it since we walked through our journey of infertility to get pregnant the first time, but dealing with infertility after losing our daughter seemed extra cruel. Although I anticipated we would probably have to go through fertility treatments again once we were ready to conceive after Mary died, a part of me thought that surely we would get a free pass. Surely things had to be easier this time because we’ve already experienced the worst pain we could ever imagine when our daughter died. There’s no way the added stress/disappointment/sadness of infertility could be added onto that.
Just yesterday I was going through photos on my phone and found countless quotes and verses that I had saved to stay positive and to help give me strength during those horrible days. Yes, we had walked that path before– the waiting, the hope, the disappointment, then doing it all over again every month. Somehow, looking back, our first infertility experience wasn’t as tough. Although sometimes bleak, there was still hope and promise for an incredible outcome. Facing infertility after loss is a very different story.
Our hearts have already been broken more than we ever thought possible and each new cycle is a new little tear in a heart that is barely being held together. The whole struggle is extra hard after loss because, well, a big part of us knows that getting a positive test does not mean we get a baby to keep at the end of it all. But don’t we deserve a chance? Don’t we deserve to feel that life growing inside of us again…just to be filled with life again? As much as we may have been destroyed by loss, we would do it all over again for a chance at that incredible love that exists only between mother and child.
As devastating as it is, facing infertility after loss is the ultimate declaration of bravery and of love for all of your children. You have had your heart broken before, yet you continue to endure the pain every month because you know that it’s worth it. You know that the mother’s love you have in your heart needs another child here on this earth to pour into. That is one of the bravest things any woman can do.