11224347_10156356425265727_4905467240950435550_oI feel like I’ve held my breath for every milestone, and Homer’s first birthday was no exception. On October 26, 2015 at 10:27 am, we celebrated exactly one year with our beautiful, perfect rainbow boy! It was the most joyous occassion I could have imagined, subtly interlaced with gut-wrenching moments of utter sadness. I watched his sweet little face light up with every package placed before him; what delight he took in ripping the paper, slowly, delicately, to reveal the treasure underneath. The look on his face of complete concentration as he pulled open the envelopes to find the card waiting within just melted this card-loving momma’s heart. All the while, through my smiles, my pride in this little man turning 1, I was screaming on the inside. Why wasn’t his big brother here to help him tear into his gifts? Why wasn’t Rowan bringing us the ripped up paper to place in a bag to throw away later? Why wasn’t his big brother trying to boss him about, just a little bit, and encourage him to play with every single toy as it was revealed. Why wasn’t his brother here to help him blow out that candle instead of me? Why wasn’t Rowan’s face covered in his little brother’s birthday cake, too? What a sweet picture that would have been.

Previously, I wrote about not only me missing out on Rowan’s life, but Rowan missing out. Homer’s birthday added another layer of complexity, because now, I will be regularly thinking of Homer missing out on having his big brother in his life in a tangible way. Who will look out for him at the bus stop? Who will he be able to look up to as he becomes a big boy? With whom will he play cars? With whom will he find boyish mischief? With whom will he jump in puddles, find frogs to scare momma, spend the night in a backyard tent? All of these. All of these and so, so much more.

I worry about what Homer’s life will be like as an only living child. I worry about him being lonely. I worry because not only will he be an only living child, but as a military child, he’ll move around a lot, too.

Our adventure thus far has been amazing. I know we couldn’t love our little guy any more than we do. I am so grateful to be his momma! I look forward to every second, every new adventure…

While we are busy doing life with our Homer, I’ll be checking in with PALS on a quarterly basis in the year(s) to come, now that we’ve reached the conclusion of the first year. I look forward to sharing our stories, and reading about all of yours. We are in this together, forever, so I’m excited to continue to serve this community of parents in any way I am able.

Sending you peace, hope, blessings, and comfort on your journey…wherever you may be. You are never alone.

With love and in friendship–

Tara

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