We just had our 32 week appointment. We never made it to our 32 week appointment with Charlie.
I’m feeling body parts stick out of my belly. Even though I *thought* Charlie was active, I’m constantly surprised at just how active a healthy baby can be. And because I had so much extra amniotic fluid, I never could feel Charlie. I never poked at my belly, wondering if what I was feeling was a leg or a foot.
I wrote a birth plan. I also wrote a birth plan for Charlie, but I wrote that plan, tears streaming down my face, as I wrote things like “we would like Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to take photographs” and “we would like to hold our baby after he’s born, even if he’s not born alive.”
I’m having a baby shower this weekend. That’s probably an entirely different topic for a different blog post.
This is starting to be new territory for me and my husband. It still feels weird and sometimes it feels like too much. I try not to compare this pregnancy too much to my last, but it’s almost impossible not to. And it’s hard to talk about what’s going on with my pregnancy with family, friends and co-workers. This is mostly because I can’t help but get upset when it seems like people have forgotten that not ALL of this is new to me. I’m getting comments as we head into summer, like: “Oh, get ready…being pregnant in the summer is no fun!” Sometimes I remind them that yes, I’ve been pregnant in the summer before. Sometimes, I just nod and reply by saying something about not leaving the air conditioning during the entire month of July. And there’s also the “Just wait — you’re uncomfortable now, but your belly is only going to keep getting bigger!” Besides thinking that this isn’t a very helpful thing to say to ANYONE who’s pregnant, what runs through my mind is: “Yeah, I know that’s coming. Remember, not even a year ago, when I had twice the amniotic fluid present that I was supposed to and I had to quit driving because I didn’t fit behind my steering wheel?”
Most of the time, I remind myself that of course people aren’t going to remember the specifics of things that *I* experienced during my last pregnancy. Because although we’re heading into new territory, we’ve been through some of this before.