I’m pregnant! It still feels strange to say or type that. Even during the few encounters when my husband and I shared our news, I’ve rarely spoken those words out loud. This time around, texting or emailing feels more comfortable. Or via a phone call. In person feels like too much pressure.

Let me back up for a second and tell you how I got here. I’m Hyedi, and I’m currently in my third pregnancy. My first pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage. At the 20 week anatomy scan during our second pregnancy, we found out that our son, Charlie, had a fatal birth defect. He was born just short of 30 weeks and died minutes later. That was just this past July. And now, here I am. I’m looking forward to being a Bump Day blogger and sharing my PAL journey with you week by week.

I’ll be 11 weeks tomorrow, and it’s already been quite the journey. I’ve had two ultrasounds so far. One was at five and a half weeks, because I was still taking HPT everyday and was overcome with anxiety when the test line was faint. After a frantic call to the new OB practice I had yet to be seen at, and a call to the care coordinator (aka my guardian angel) from the high risk practice I was seen at during my last pregnancy) I was allowed to come in for a quick ultrasound. And even though it was early, there was my baby and its heartbeat. I remember the ultrasound technician looking at me, waiting for me to breathe a sigh of relief. Or probably say anything, really. And when that didn’t happen, she let out her own sigh, told me again how “exciting this must be,” and shooed me out of the room.

firstultrasound

So tiny!

My second ultrasound was at eight and a half weeks. Again, everything with the baby looked good — measuring right on track, with a strong heartbeat. But also yet again, I still somehow wasn’t comforted. The ultrasound also showed that I had a small subchorionic hemorrhage (my first time hearing that term) but that it wasn’t “anything I should be worried about.” Don’t they know that now I worry about everything?

I have a feeling that the rest of this pregnancy is going to be like those experiences. Silence where a sigh of relief should be. It might be that way even after we have our 20 week anatomy scan. Because we know too much now. But as tough as this journey has been and will continue to be, I’m so, so thankful to be pregnant right now. And who knows? Maybe that sigh of relief eventually will come — even if it’s just a little one.

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