Having just had another rainbow boy people say, “Oh, another boy,” and ask, “Are you going to try for a girl?” “I bet you wish you had a girl.” “Girls are so much fun.”
I say, “I did have a girl”.
“Oh, but you know what I mean, the ones that are really here”.
I can sit here and argue and say, “Yes, she did exist,” but it’s so overwhelming that I don’t say anything. Then I walk away and feel guilt because I didn’t defend my daughter. Every single time someone asks or remarks I feel a rip in my already broken heart.
I remember only focusing on wanting a girl when I was pregnant. I was so afraid to have another boy because I didn’t know how I would feel or how everyone would react. This kept me from finding out the sex of the baby and at the same time kept me on edge. At the end it was the best thing, when I had him I wasn’t the least bit concerned what he was I just wanted to know that he was alive.
Guilt is a part of grief that seems to last longer than any other feeling I have felt.
Every single day that I look at my children I hurt. I always miss her. My heart is so full and at the same time empty. I always wonder, “Does this make me a bad mother? They should be all you want,” my mind says. But my heart says, “She too was a part of you, you have to include her and talk about her!”
Welcome to the mind of an Angel mom. It is a constant battle between society’s expectations, my mind, and my heart.
I sometimes do a recount of my life to see where I did something wrong to deserve this. The pain is so big that I NEED to find a reason. I NEED to find someone or something to blame. But then I realize there was no wrong doing. There is no punishment. It just is. Although I still feel major guilt for wanting what I can’t have, I know that it wasn’t anything that I did or didn’t do that made this my life. Maybe one day I will learn why and maybe I won’t. Either way I’ll always wonder…