I couldn’t believe it was happening again, a second miscarriage. I had endured a miscarriage a year and a half before. And to be honest, I was angry I was having to go through it all over again. I was angry that I now had another baby I wouldn’t meet on this side of heaven. I was angry that my body was having to experience the pain that a miscarriage causes. I was angry that my heart had to walk through the devastation and grief again.
I was fully aware of the pain and heartache of a miscarriage. But I was also aware that healing would come. I knew that healing was possible because I had experienced it after my first loss.
I knew that my body would eventually stop bleeding. I knew that the emotions wouldn’t always feel so raw and sharp. And I knew I would heal…eventually. I knew all of these things. But in the first initial weeks and months of my second loss, I wasn’t ready to be okay. I needed to feel. I needed to grieve and be angry and wrestle with God with all my questions and pain.
As I walked the journey of loss again, it felt familiar and completely foreign at the same time. It was like coming home after a very long vacation—you recognize your home, you know all the rooms and photos on the walls, but it also feels…different.
That’s where I was. Uncharted territory.
As I began my new grief and healing journey, there were 3 things that helped my heart tremendously.
The pain was still there. I still had questions and unknowns. My body and heart still hurt. But these 3 things were gentle whispers of hope to my heart when I needed them the most.
1. I gave myself permission to protect the raw areas of my heart.
I allowed myself to have bad days. I allowed myself to not feel guilty on the good days. If I needed to go for a drive, I did. If I needed to stay home in my pajamas, I did. If I needed to decline baby shower invitations, birthdays or dinners with friends, I did.
2. I talked to others I trusted about how I was feeling and really doing.
I pushed past the awkwardness and discomfort that starting a conversation about miscarriage sometimes brings. It wasn’t always easy, but I knew forcing a smile wasn’t fair to me or my family and friends. If someone asked me how I was doing, I allowed myself to be honest. If I had a particularly hard day, I reached out to family or friends that I knew would protect my heart and validate my feelings.
3. I wrote Scripture verses all over my home.
I chose my favorite verses and wrote them on index cards or used dry erase markers and wrote them on every mirror and window of my home. There wasn’t one room I could go to without seeing God’s promises of love, hope and healing. Even on the days I didn’t feel it, they reminded me of truth. Even on the days I wrestled with anger, they reminded me of truth. Even on the days I was swallowed with anxiety about the future, they reminded me of truth.
Walking the journey of miscarriage and loss is so painful. And when you experience multiple losses it adds layers to already complex and devastating emotions. But please remember this—you are not alone in your pain. There are mommas all around you that understand and love you. Give yourself permission. Reach out. Remind yourself of truth. Your heart and healing is worth it.