It feels like it gets a little harder to write each week. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say. My mind is very wrapped up in the upcoming birth of my baby. In these final weeks, I’m finding myself having to really focus in on this pregnancy and this baby. I think that’s why it’s been harder to get my thoughts down lately. I guess you could call it nesting. When I got this way with my first, I was irrationally cleaning. Dust on the baseboards was enough to send me spiraling. This time, it looks more like pouring myself into preparing for birth and postpartum recovery. I’ve got shopping and to-do lists scattered everywhere. I’ve gone fully into birth-prep mode.
There’s part of me that still worries, of course. However, there seems to be an instinctual part of me that has taken over. I think that’s pretty typical for any expectant parents. My husband and I were the same way with our first child, born prior to our loss. It’s like it suddenly hit us that we’ll be having a baby soon.
Author’s Personal Collection/Hannah Kirk
It is different this time, though.
For starters, this is our third baby. We’re not new to this, so we have a pretty good idea of what we will need. Much deeper than that, this is the most my husband and I have talked about this baby with each other. It’s the first time it’s felt like we could have a “normal” conversation about it all. It used to visibly make my husband uncomfortable when I tried to bring up packing the hospital bag, especially when it was about what to pack for the baby. While I could have the conversation, I could never make myself physically pack the bags. Now, we are having these conversations daily and starting to make things happen.
Simple acts become giant leaps when you’re pregnant after loss. Installing the car seat base, putting sheets on the baby’s bed, ordering those finishing touches for the nursery – all normal and maybe even mundane tasks, but they are a big deal to parents pregnant after loss. They’re not only acts of courage but huge milestones that we weren’t sure we’d reach.
At my doctor’s appointment this week, we had an ultrasound and a non-stress test.
The baby passed them both with flying colors! I’m so thankful that he is growing and thriving. I’ll be honest, it can feel like a waste of time to do these extra tests when everything always comes back normal. However, I know what it’s like to be told that everything looks great and then just three weeks later be given the worst news. I’m thankful for providers who took my concerns seriously and aren’t willing to leave anything to chance. Having these tests done each week for the rest of my pregnancy has already proven to be very reassuring.
Author’s Personal Collection/Hannah Kirk
Lately, I’ve enjoyed my pregnancy more than I’ve been capable of up until now.
I’ve had a lot of positive dreams about my baby’s birth. That’s in stark contrast to the regular nightmares I was having early on in this pregnancy. I look back and see how far we’ve come both physically and emotionally. It’s been a long nine months, but we’ve made it so far with just a few weeks to go. We’re beyond ready to meet this baby boy.
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