This week I’m officially in my third trimester and it has welcomed me with physical challenges. This is the first pregnancy that I’ve actually experienced that second-trimester energy that I’ve heard so much about. Well, now it seems as if overnight, it’s packed up and left. I’m needing more frequent breaks throughout the day. By the end of the day, my back and hips hurt so bad I can hardly get comfortable at night even with a pregnancy pillow. And oh, the mood swings… I’ve been fighting the urge to explode over every little thing.
Author’s Personal Collection/Hannah Kirk
I wouldn’t say that I’m “over” being pregnant.
I’m so grateful to have made it this far. I’m struggling with allowing myself to admit out loud that being pregnant for forty-eight weeks with only a three-month break in that time is physically challenging. Not to mention I was still breastfeeding my oldest when I got pregnant with my second baby. My body is tired and while I know that it’s ok to admit that, I’m afraid that I’ll sound ungrateful or that I’m wishing away this pregnancy. I don’t feel like I have the luxury of complaining. But the truth is, while pregnancy after loss is a different kind of pregnancy, it still comes with the same physical challenges. I don’t get a free pass just because I’m already emotionally enduring so much. I can feel grateful for a healthy, progressive pregnancy and acknowledge that it’s physically challenging at times. So many things on this journey feel like they have to be either or. However, I’m learning that sometimes conflicting feelings have to exist together in this space. Grief and joy. Hope and caution. Gratitude and discomfort. When the only way forward is through, you have to learn to feel it all.
This week, I scheduled the rest of my OB appointments.
I was surprised to find that there are only five left. I knew I was nearing the end, but it still felt so far away. This made it all feel so much closer. Part of me is still holding my breath, but another part of me is actually starting to believe that this is happening. We’re slowly taking steps to prepare our home for this little one. I unpacked the boxes of baby items that have been piled high in my bedroom. Though I haven’t washed any clothes yet, we did buy some baby detergent. My husband put together the crib a few days ago. We picked out some clothing items that we needed more of. My husband walked around and pointed out some things that he liked too. Such seemingly small decisions but each one is a choice to hope and believe that we’ll be bringing this baby home.
I’m starting to notice more patterns in my baby’s movements.
He responds when I touch my belly. He almost always reacts to his sister’s voice. It’s the sweetest thing. She finds it so amusing when I tell her that he hears her and is kicking in response. I’ve reached the point where you can clearly see and feel where the baby is positioned most of the time. One day, I placed my daughter’s hand on my belly so she could feel where her baby brother was. Most of the time she doesn’t leave her hand still for more than a few seconds, but that day she just stood there with her hand on my belly for a few minutes. She’s very excited about this baby. She told us that when he’s here, she’s going to rock him and show him around. She already points things out and tells him about what she sees when we’re riding in the car. My prayer is that she’ll get to do all of that with him in person. Watching my two – now three – year old try to process loss and a subsequent pregnancy has been hard on my heart. There’s a lot she doesn’t seem to fully understand and a lot I wish she didn’t have to know about. However, her innocent excitement remains and it’s refreshing for my weary soul. With a hope-filled heart, I’m looking forward to finally getting to introduce her and her little brother to each other very soon.
Read more bump day blogs from Hannah:
- Hannah’s Bump Day Blog, Week 29: Fighting Against Fear
- Hannah’s Bump Day Blog, Week 27: Farewell Second Trimester
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