This week I did something my fears have allowed me to do very little of: I planned unnecessary things for my baby. What I mean by that is I was making decisions that don’t HAVE to be made before the baby comes. For example, I started planning what I want him to wear in the hospital, pictures I want to take after he’s born, and how I’ll decorate his nursery. In the past, I would have thought those things were essential in planning for a baby, but I’ve since learned that while they’re fun, they’re not necessities. Sure, I’ve entertained the thought a little bit over time, but never as much as I did this week. For a moment, I enjoyed myself, and I believed I would use every item.
Author’s Personal Collection/Hannah Kirk
Then I started to panic.
It was subconscious, as if my brain was looking for something to be wrong. My main worry this time was that my baby was moving too much. I had been feeling him move a lot throughout the morning while I lay in bed. I was concerned that maybe he was in distress. After that, I worried about every little symptom. I’m getting over yet another illness. Could that have harmed him? I’ve had to pick up my three-year-old more often lately. Have I overdone it? The questions and concerns were endless.
During my pregnancy with my first baby, I remember feeling like she was safest inside of me and fearing the day I could no longer protect her from the outside world. Then I developed hypertension that nearly turned into preeclampsia. I felt out of control and frustrated with my body. However, my baby arrived safely, and I once again felt a sense of pride in what my body was able to accomplish. When I got pregnant again, I didn’t really think that much about it. I just kind of assumed my baby was safe. I had no reason to be worried. Then my baby died inside of me for unknown reasons. For months, I hated my body for failing to bring my son into the world safely. Though I do believe it wasn’t my fault, there is part of me that will always wonder what I could have done differently.
Being pregnant for a third time, I don’t exactly trust my body.
I don’t feel the same disdain for it that I did immediately following my loss. However, I don’t have this unrelenting faith that my body knows what it’s doing and can bring my baby into the world safely. There are so many great affirmations out there about our bodies’ capabilities during pregnancy. However, I’ve personally never been encouraged by those. I always find myself questioning how true the statements are for me. I just don’t have a lot of faith in my body.
The closer I get, I find myself feeling more and more ready to have this baby. Not just because I look forward to the day that I get to hold him in my arms but because I feel that he just might be safer outside of my body than he is within. Of course, I want him to continue to grow and develop so that he’s ready to enter the world. It’s just that my due date feels like it’s a world away sometimes.
On the other hand, I’ve spent so much time in survival mode during this pregnancy that I don’t feel very prepared for birth or postpartum. I haven’t called a pediatrician or requested a hospital tour. I hope that I can find the courage to make a few plans and put some things into action soon. Because as much as time seems to be dragging on, it also feels like it’s flying by. It’s strange that those things can happen simultaneously.
All of our things were officially moved into our new home this week.
We’re just starting out in a new place and have significantly less storage space than we did in our old house. I’ve got boxes of baby stuff, both old and new, that can’t just be put into a closet. Plans I’ve made in my head will have to be put into action. Clothes will have to be washed and put in drawers. A place will have to be found for baby gear and toys. While this baby is very much a part of our lives already, it’s still a little scary to prepare our home for his arrival. It feels like finalizing something that’s still uncertain. I remain hopeful, but something within me is skeptical and cautious no matter how I try to fight against it.
I guess I’m feeling a little rundown and overwhelmed this week by both pregnancy and life in general. Despite that, I’d like to end this on a positive note. Baby Boy has gotten a lot of hiccups this week! It gives me so much reassurance to feel those little jumps (though naturally, I’ve also worried about it). I think it’s pretty cute, also. It makes it all seem more real to feel him doing something so normal for babies both inside and outside of the womb. I’m trying my best to expect with confidence that I’ll one day see, hear, and feel his little hiccups from the outside too.
Read more bump day blogs from Hannah:
- Hannah’s Bump Day Blog, Week 27: Farewell Second Trimester
- Hannah’s Bump Day Blog, Week 25: Baby Names
Leave A Comment