We’ve been waiting for two months to confirm at my anatomy scan before announcing it. We can finally tell the world that we are expecting another baby boy!

rainbow baby bodysuit with ultrasound image and wooden sign that says, "For this child we prayed." Hannah's Bump Day Blog, Week 22: It's a boy!

Author’s Personal Collection/Hannah Kirk

I cannot express enough how relieved I am to have the anatomy scan behind me.

I felt the baby moving all morning long and on the way to the appointment, which was a huge comfort. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was about to receive bad news. I didn’t have the same terrible feeling I did while in the waiting room for my anatomy scan during my last pregnancy, but I was still ready to get it over with. Thankfully, I was called back quickly, and I had my husband and daughter with me for support.

When we walked into the room, I thought about explaining my loss history to the ultrasound tech, but I was too nervous to even bring it up. I just wanted to start. I could feel the baby kicking even before the scan started, and he was immediately moving on the screen. Still, I was taking deep breaths under my mask and trying not to submit to the panic waiting just below the surface. The ultrasound tech didn’t say much, but she didn’t linger on anything, which I took as a good sign. She confirmed that our baby is definitely a boy! The last thing she looked at was the baby’s heart. She was having to push on my stomach pretty hard, and I was uncomfortable. She suddenly pulled the ultrasound probe back, and dread filled my heart. However, all she said was that she wanted me to empty my bladder and see if that helped her get a better view of the heart.

I had been hiding my emotions for the past thirty minutes. I fought the urge to start sobbing because I didn’t want to walk back out with puffy eyes. The truth was, though everything seemed OK with this baby, I was having a really hard time. My last anatomy scan just under eight months ago was soul-shattering and life-altering. It was the day I became a loss mom. I knew this scan would be hard, but I wasn’t prepared for how triggering it was going to be even though I was looking at a very much alive baby on the screen this time. Grief, joy, fear, and relief danced together in that ultrasound room, each one taking turns leading and, at times, existing in perfect harmony.

I went back to the room, ready to finish the scan. The ultrasound tech had brought in another person, and again I panicked. However, she was just there to try and get a better image of the baby’s heart without hurting me. I haven’t gotten results from the radiologist yet, but the ultrasound techs told me that everything looked great as far as they could tell. I realized at that moment that I had been the most worried about the baby’s heart and was relieved to hear that everything seemed to be ok. We left the appointment with two brand new pictures of our little man and a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I’ll be a little anxious until I get an all-clear from the doctor, but for now, I can breathe a little easier.

I was fourteen weeks exactly when I was first told that we were having a baby boy at my private ultrasound.

In the past, I’ve been in favor of waiting to find out the sex of the baby until I was farther along in pregnancy, but this time was different. I wanted to know as much as I could about this baby as soon as possible.

When the ultrasound tech put the image on the screen, she asked if we had any guesses. I thought it looked like a boy. She confirmed that I was right. I immediately burst into tears. Through sobs, I briefly explained to her why I was such an emotional mess. She smiled and said, “This will be your rainbow baby boy.” I know sometimes it’s scary for others to have confidence in our pregnancies after loss. However, I’ve found that sometimes it’s freeing to hear others gently encouraging words along the way – especially on the days when I just don’t have the strength to believe it.

In all honesty, I had been hoping for a boy though ultimately, I just wanted a healthy baby.

So many thoughts and emotions went through my mind and heart. I was initially so excited, but then I started to worry. My biggest concern was that maybe I wasn’t capable of bringing a living baby boy into the world. Maybe it was irrational to worry about that, but it happened nonetheless. My only living child is a girl, and she has been healthy since the beginning. My first son, Koda, died in my womb. It was hard not to worry that maybe I was incapable in some way.

I was also scared that having another boy would cause the rest of the world to forget about my first son who died. The reality is that there will always be a void in our lives that Koda should fill. No amount of subsequent children could ever change that. He will always have a place in our family just the same as our living children do. Having another boy is just that – ANOTHER boy, a little brother. He won’t replace his big brother that we lost, and he shouldn’t have to. He is not a remedy to our grief. He is simply another very loved member of our family.

We are so excited about this precious little man.

I’ve already bought a few outfits and accessories for him. All the while, I’ve been praying, hoping, and believing that we’ll get to use them. I usually leave the tags on for a few weeks before I build up the courage to cut them off. I feel a tinge of fear with each tag I remove, but also the liberating feeling of defiant hope when I dare to believe that this baby just might be coming home.

Read more bump day blogs from Hannah:

More on this topic:

Share this story!