I’ve reached fourteen weeks pregnant. I have a private ultrasound scheduled this week to (hopefully) find out if this little one is a boy or a girl. Deep inside of me, I’m so excited for this scan! I love ultrasounds around this time. Babies are usually so active at this point and still have so much room to move. In the past, I would have been bursting with excitement. However, this time, things are different.

Ultrasound image with heart beads around it - Hannah's Bump Day Blog, Week 14: Muted Excitement

Author’s Personal Collection/Hannah Kirk

On the outside, my elation is muted. Anytime I feel joy rising inside of me, an aching in my heart reminds me of all that I could lose.

After finding out my son’s heart had stopped beating at my anatomy scan, I can no longer walk into an ultrasound room with the same excitement I had with my daughter – my first baby. That’s not to say that I don’t look forward to these scans. It’s just… different. I’m not sure what I’m anticipating. Life or death. Joy or sorrow. I know now that nothing is guaranteed.

Anytime I feel the tiniest bit of happiness over this pregnancy, something inside of me whispers, “don’t get too excited.” I resent that voice, but so often I listen to it. I let it deter me from buying anything for this baby. It brings my mind to a halt when I try to plan too far ahead. Honestly, it’s practical to be cautious with my feelings and emotions right now. My heart is fragile. I’m still picking up the pieces from losing my son. However, sometimes I just don’t want to be practical. Yes, my heart is damaged, but I don’t want to be afraid of loving this baby. Every time I see my little one moving on an ultrasound screen my heart grows fonder. With every tiny flutter I feel, my hope grows stronger.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve moved from shielding my heart from this pregnancy to trying my hardest to embrace this season.

The difficult reality of life is that we don’t know how long we have with anyone at any given time. All we can do is try our best to cherish every moment that we get with those we love. And I am trying my best. Though my heart is still grieving my son, it’s also growing to make room for this new life. It all started the moment I saw two pink lines. Even though I have hesitated and tried to put up my guard, my heart still expands for my baby. Because that’s what a mother’s heart is made to do – no matter how many children we have. Whether they walk beside us or have gone on ahead, our hearts will always make room.

I talk to my baby occasionally now. One thing I’ve found myself saying often is, “I want you here, but I’ll love you no matter what happens.” Having experienced parenting children on both sides of Heaven, I know that to be the honest truth. Ultrasounds and doctor visits will continue to be hard to face. I feel like a part of me will be holding my breath until this baby is safely in my arms. I do rest in knowing that nothing can take away my bond or my love for my children. Not trauma. Not fear. Not even death. Because love is stronger than it all.

More on this topic:

Share this story!