Guilt. It can paralyze us. Or is can push us into action.
Guilt can show up when we are acting in a way that doesn’t sync with our values. Or guilt can be like a parasite living in our shadows and sucking up our energy, our times, and our self-worth.
Guilt for a parent pregnant or parenting after loss is neither of these. Rather, guilt is much like the angel we have lost. We carry it with us always. It is always present, just a flashback away.
Knowing that you are not alone in your guilt may help. In fact, so many parents share similar feelings and emotions:
I feel guilt when I am frustrated and at the end of my rope with a sick or fussy new baby because I should always be grateful.
I feel guilty over not loving every minute of my rainbow baby’s life.
I feel guilty because I think I should NEVER feel like I need a break.
I feel guilt, I wanted this baby so badly but ….
I feel guilty because I am still longing for my angel, while holding my rainbow.
I feel guilty because I keep seeing my angel when I am holding my angel.
I feel guilt because my rainbow would not exist with out having lost my angel.
I fell guilty waiting for the other show to drop. For this baby to be taken from me too.
I feel feel guilt that my angel baby did not have the experiences my rainbow will.
I feel guilt that I cannot plan for the future because anything can happen at any time.
I am guilty of fearing bonding with my rainbow baby.
I feel guilt when my rainbow is sick and I keep waking him to make sure he is breathing.
I feel guilty asking god to let me die before I have to loose another child.
I feel guilty celebrating my rainbows milestone’s when my angel will never have them.
I feel guilty every time I miscarry, thinking I am doing something wrong.
I feel guilt over lost photos, lost opportunities, lost everything.
The list is endless.
Every parent is a different person after their loss. There are no magic wands and there is no going back. Your angel will always be a missing part of you and your family will never be complete. But it will be your family. They will always be your children, just out of reach but never forgotten.