My husband Julio and I decided we were ready to try for a baby. We were beyond grateful & blessed that on our first try, we got a positive pregnancy test! We decided to share the exciting news with our family almost immediately on Father’s Day 2022. Everyone was over the moon for us! This had been my lifelong dream, and it was finally happening.

We went to the doctor and confirmed all was well. We heard the strongest heartbeat and got our first pictures of our baby. Everything was going great. I had no reason to think anything bad would happen to us.

We had a perfect 8-week appointment.

We had a perfect 10-week appointment.

But then we got shattering news around 12 weeks.

Our baby boy would probably not make it due to health issues and complications. “He was not compatible with life.” We hoped and prayed to God for a miracle over the weekend after receiving the horrific news. We waited to see what would happen.

Our baby boy went to Heaven shortly after. We were completely devastated. I never thought anything like that would ever happen to us. These were the horror stories you’d hear of that would happen to other people. The hardest part was having to repeat it to everyone while trying to heal emotionally and physically. It was a very dark time.

When you find yourself in that kind of place, you don’t really see a light at the end of the tunnel or feel hopeful. However, I truly believe God can heal your heart, and little by little, you do regain strength. You never ever forget or truly heal 100%, but I am so grateful that we eventually felt a peace that our precious boy was in Heaven no longer suffering or unhealthy. We think of him all of the time and acknowledge that he was real.

Eventually, somehow, we felt ready to try again for a baby.

Couple holding pregnancy tests - Feeling Guarded but Hopeful During Pregnancy After Loss: One Mom’s Story

Author’s Personal Collection/Yesenia Perez

Again, on our first try, we were blessed enough to get a positive pregnancy test. Understandably, our first reaction was immediate excitement. We didn’t rush to share the news as quickly. We were very careful and guarded this time around. It was extremely sensitive, and we wanted to keep this news to ourselves until we knew “for sure” that all was good. Can you ever really know this, though? I think that’s been the hardest lesson in all this. You can’t control or ever really be in the safe zone. You just have to have faith and keep moving forward, hoping and praying for the best. It’s almost like holding your breath for nine months.

Pregnancy Announcement - Feeling Guarded but Hopeful During Pregnancy After Loss: One Mom’s Story

Author’s Personal Collection/Yesenia Perez

Sadly, you are robbed of some joy because of the worry and fear that takes over. You have to have grace and be patient with yourself. People have to understand and give you space to feel whatever it is that you may be feeling.

Ultrasound images on the fridge - Feeling Guarded but Hopeful During Pregnancy After Loss: One Mom’s Story

Author’s Personal Collection/Yesenia Perez

But there is hope!

Pregnant couple holding pink balloons - Feeling Guarded but Hopeful During Pregnancy After Loss: One Mom’s Story

Author’s Personal Collection/Yesenia Perez

I am so happy to share that after the loss, the heartbreak, the worry, and the whats-ifs, we are just a few days away from welcoming our rainbow baby girl, Ellie Skye. We could not be more grateful for this miracle. We feel so blessed.

Pregnant couple holding ultrasound images - Feeling Guarded but Hopeful During Pregnancy After Loss: One Mom’s Story

Author’s Personal Collection/Yesenia Perez

And if our story can give hope to just one person out there, I am happy. I know all of our stories are different, and we all have our own journeys. But I remember finding other women on Instagram that were suffering and hurting in their own ways, and I remember it giving me so much hope that I wasn’t alone and that I was going to make it out on the other side. Here we are on the other side.

Pregnant woman holding ultrasound images - Feeling Guarded but Hopeful During Pregnancy After Loss: One Mom’s Story

Author’s Personal Collection/Yesenia Perez

There will always be a piece of me that hurts and misses our baby boy, but I do believe that God has a plan and a purpose for all of us, and He just must’ve needed our special boy back in Heaven with Him. We are so thankful for the gift of this healthy baby girl that is about to join our family, and we are praying for all those who are longing for their rainbow babies after loss. God is faithful, and He does grant us the desires of our hearts.

Update!

Since this story was submitted to PALS, Yesenia gave birth to her precious girl. Welcome to the world, Ellie Skye!

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