When I lost my firstborn, Rossi, so many questions were in the air. We opted out of a full-body autopsy, and even after they tested the placenta, there were no answers offered to us as to what could have happened to our perfectly healthy son.
Three and a half years later, we’re still putting the pieces together of what could have happened to him. My husband and I always had our thoughts that there was something not completely innocent surrounding his death.
When I was 35-weeks pregnant with Madeline, I was suddenly diagnosed with Preeclampsia which meant I had to be induced and deliver her early. I still vividly remember a conversation that my husband and I had with the attending OB who diagnosed me. We informed the doctor of our history with stillbirth even if we were unsure of the cause. When he sat us both down, very calmly and sympathetically, he expressed his very strong suspicions that Rossi likely died of undiagnosed Preeclampsia, after he pulled my records from the hospital where I delivered him at. He had several reasons for his assumptions, but the one that stood out the most was my old OB ruling out a Preeclampsia diagnosis because I did not have protein in my urine, even though I met a lot of other criteria. It was because of my OB’s outdated information that could have cost my son his life.
We thought that was the end of what we learn of Rossi’s passing.
But at my 16-week appointment with my current OBGYN, Rossi became a part of the conversation again.
This is my first pregnancy outside the province of Ontario, Canada. I recently moved to New Brunswick, so my current doctor had to request all of my files from Toronto, Ontario to get a better sense of what my complications were.
What she told me during that appointment still leaves knots in my stomach.
This whole time we thought Rossi was nothing but healthy up until the day I stopped feeling him move. That wasn’t the case.
Rossi was actually “severely growth-restricted”. There were several documented concerns over my blood pressure readings. Yet, when I was pregnant with him, we were NEVER told he was growth restricted in any which way. We were NEVER told that there were any concerns regarding mine or my baby’s health. Even when his heart stopped beating, my OB made it out to be that he was just as surprised as we were, because he was “healthy”. He was quick to present his loss as a tragic shock and gave us half-hearted guesses on what could have taken place.
For the 7 months Rossi was inside me, we were misled and lied to. Not ONCE, not even SLIGHTLY, were we ever made to feel like something was wrong.
Three years later, my first OB’s lies and malpractice are being more and more unraveled.
Three years later, a point of time in which I have felt closer to healing and acceptance than I ever have before, I feel the shell of a person I have created being shattered more and more.
When I had time to let these new details sink in, ruthless conjectures on how stupid and clueless I was to trust my OB with Rossi raced through my mind. I can’t help even now demonizing my own naivety and wishing for nothing more than to go back and do it all over again.
Even if I could possibly stop blaming myself for his passing, how do you ever trust another medical professional with your child, your pregnancy? At least when it came to my first subsequent pregnancy after my loss, I still had no concrete reason to think that Rossi’s death was anything more than shitty luck.
Sure, I have more knowledge than I ever have. Now my care providers have all the information they need to ensure a healthy pregnancy. However, this doesn’t change the past. It doesn’t change the fact that the attention my daughters got and are getting (YES, SHE’S A GIRL <3) is the same care that my son deserved.
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This is not the best week, and sometimes with pregnancy after loss you will have a lot of bad weeks.
Right now, our main focus is getting our daughter out safely. With that being said, we are looking into getting justice for our son. It is a balancing act and maybe just getting through another difficult pregnancy is enough for me right now.
I’m not a religious person, but either way, I know my sweet girl’s big brother in heaven will always be looking after her. My baby boy hasn’t let me down yet.