There are so many things that are exciting about this stage in pregnancy.
The baby is moving all the time and I can actually identify some of the movements as kicks or punches. He stretches and rolls and has regular hiccups. I can feel his legs and his back and his bottom. He is growing stronger every day.
I have only one more regular prenatal appointment this month before my pre-op visit, and then my c-section. I can’t believe it is coming so quickly, and that is exciting, too.
But for some reason, I am still feeling a little detached. Baby still does not have a name. It still does not feel real that he will be here in just over four weeks. Things aren’t ready. Clothes aren’t washed. There are no diapers. The cradle is not set up. I’ve bought some things, but don’t feel as prepared as I have in the past.
Sure, this is the fifth baby I’ll be bringing home, and maybe I’ve gotten a little less “Type A” since my first baby was born. Then, the nursery was prepped and painted and waiting for his arrival months before his birth (though he didn’t use it for months afterward). Maybe I’ve just recognized, after all these little ones, that baby will be just fine and doesn’t need a lot of bells and whistles, gizmos and gadgets. I know what to expect and how to handle it now. I’ve got this.
Still, it seems there’s more to it than that this time. Like the little wall of protection around my heart still has not crumbled, and I’m not sure whether it will at all until he is here. I know I’ve written about this before, but I thought maybe by this point in time, it would feel a little less abstract and a little more concrete. I’m surprised to realize that I was wrong. That even after having brought home one rainbow baby safe and sound, I’m still feeling these things the second time around. It’s not anxiety as much as it is….what? Denial? Indifference? Apathy? I’m not sure what to call it. I love this babe, but don’t quite feel the connection with him that I thought I would. Not yet anyway. It feels pretty lousy to say that.
I remember feeling that with my rainbow daughter, too, though. And while I worried that it would affect my relationship with her, I could not believe how much I was able to bond with her in those first few hours in the hospital. She quickly captured my heart and whatever attachment I was lacking before she was born was formed in those first days afterward.
I have to remind myself of this and trust that the same kind of thing will happen with this new little one.
Did you feel like you had trouble bonding with your rainbow before birth? If so, did you find it easier to bond afterward? I’d love to know your experiences.
Wishing you a wonderful week!