After the death of my twins, I had to sever ties with some members of my family.  This included my parents.

The decision was so very hard, but after a life-long rocky relationship with them, they behaved so poorly during our long, complicated, and ultimately tragic experience that in order to survive, I needed to cut them loose. They were like dead weight, pulling me under water when I could barely keep myself afloat. The little emotional energy that I had, I needed to give to my children and to try to drag myself through each day, not to worry about my parents’ wants and needs.

I wrote about the experience of the loss of family and friends as a secondary loss to grieve on my personal blog, but it is so hard to think about the fact that they will not know my children I’ve had since our loss at all. Not because I feel sorry for them, or sorry for my kids. On the contrary, there was such a pattern of toxic behavior from them that I am thankful that my family is no longer exposed to it. My children are too young to understand and too young to remember them much, but I know I made the best decision for my young family.

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

photo by hoefi

But still, there is a void. I feel it more when I think about the baby coming. I felt it with my first rainbow, too. Though I did everything I could to keep them from finding out when I was delivering because I didn’t want them showing up to the hospital unexpectedly, I still felt the void. Not so much from not having them around. It was more for what should have been.  Things should have been different. It took a long time and a lot of work to accept that they weren’t and to be able to move on, but I can honestly say that I am at peace with my decision and know that I did the right thing.  It’s not something that I think about on a daily basis, but when I think about the birth of our baby, I wish it were a time that the whole family could celebrate together. For us, it just isn’t.

Often, the loss of a child – or any tragedy – brings the loss of some relationships along with it. Did you experience this? Does that loss feel more profound when you think about the birth of your rainbow baby? How are you handling those feelings?

With love,

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