Right now, I’m exhausted.
I don’t mean in the way that I’m not getting enough sleep, or I have too much to do in the day-to-day. I’m tired of being bereaved. Tired of my son being dead.
I want out.
I want to go back to being a “normal mom” who didn’t make decisions about end of life, or what to do with ashes, or how to celebrate birthdays for a child who isn’t here to celebrate. I didn’t sign up for this life, and I’d like the one I planned for back, please.
Give me the uncomplicated small talk, the easy play dates, the simple family photos. Bring on the joyful holiday celebrations and naive optimism.
Return me to that place where sad stories were sad stories, not triggers reducing me to a pile of tears one day or a disassociated robot the next. Make me strong again, in the way only the ignorant can be.
Paint the world in black and white, in simple colors and shapes. Good things happen to good people, bad actions have consequences. Restore order and balance. Make sense of things.
Because this randomness, this roulette wheel of tragedy, it is heavy.
I don’t know that I can carry it, and I see two options from here. One, I shrug it off. Nothing matters, it’s all out of our hands so why bother planning or getting wrapped up in things that can be taken away? If people can just die, why get close to them at all?
Or two, I double down. I continue carrying this heavy, hard-earned knowledge that I can wake up days my child does not. It shades how I see the world and interact with it. I know karma doesn’t explain everything and best laid plans can fall apart for silly reasons or no reason at all. My heart has been cracked open in a way that makes it easier to fall apart again, which is terrifying. Yes, this keeps me more emotionally connected to my son who died, but that doesn’t make the weight of it easier to bear.
Truth be told, the human capacity for compartmentalization means I do a little of both. There’s no way to know for sure, but isolating that part of myself from time to time – to work, to get through a hard day, to “be present” – does it make it progressively harder to open up again?
My son was thirty-six when he took his own life. For twenty years he had suffered with deep depression. In spite of his pain he finished college and had a very successful career. His father and I did everything we could to support him. He was under a psychiatrist’s care. She decided not to treat him. She dismissed him! He was dead within weeks.
My heart breaks every day. I cannot Move forward as I know I should.
Judith, I’m so very sorry for your loss. How devastating. Take your time and grieve as you need to. Sending you all the love.
My brother committed suicide when he was 31 or 32.
I dont even have words.
All I can do is pray in pictures, the kind where a woman is crumpled down into a heap of pain and dysfunction. And he was my brother. How does anyone cope when it is their own child.
My mother has never been the same. She exists in this state of pain.
I’m so sorry for your suffering. I wish I knew how to ease your pain and suffering.
My son took his own life the 2nd day of this year. He was only 46. It is one foot at a time. I don’t think we ever get over their deaths. I honestly take it one day at a time. That is all I can do. I believe there will always be an empty hole in my life. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Judith.
Thank you for putting words to the feelings and exhaustion I have. My son,Lee, died August 10,2016. He was riding his dirt bike (alone) and somehow hit a tree and died. Instantly, I hope, but I don’t know. Having him for 13 years was such a blessing…..living the rest of my life without him is hard some days. It helps to know I’m not alone in all that I do and feel. Again, thank you for your share!
I’m so sorry for your loss, Judith. 😢
Are you blessed with other children or was he your one and only?
A mom near me has done things to honor her son’s life. Maybe you would find some comfort in some small way by creating something that would keep his memory alive as she does. She and her husband created a high school scholarship fund. They spend time raising the funds for that through blood drives, and various other fundraisers. Then his mom and dad present that scholarship to the student recipient. It touches my heart what they do.
Another friend lost her son to suicide like your son…his sophomore year at college. That mom also does suicide awareness through fundraising by holding 5K races in our town as I believe maybe her son was a runner. This mom also created a group for grieving parents of suicide deaths. You would be such a blessing to those who are struggling with the same type of loss.
My heart goes put to you.
I lost my son, my only child, at 18. It has been almost 8 years since his death, and sometimes I feel that I haven’t healed at all! Finding purpose in his death and honoring his memory through a scholarship in his name do help, but…….
Staying busy doesn’t help when a song comes on that punches you in the gut. Or an invitation to a wedding from one of his closest friends. I too feel as if surviving another day is an absolute struggle, and that days lead to weeks that lead to months and before you know it, another “date” appears that triggers you right back to day one. I am so sorry that any mother has to deal with this crushing grief, but I will keep every single one of the in my prayers. Wishing for us all hope and peace of heart💔
Genny, Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I also lost my son 8 years ago at the age of 18. He was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor at 16 and passed away 4 days after his 18th bday. He fought so hard. As I read what you wrote, it was like I was reading my own thoughts. Each milestone is so hard. First it was watching everyone go off to college or working, having solid relationships, then marriage and starting families. People often don’t realize how much the dynamics of a family changes due to the death of a child. I also lost a daughter at just 11 days old. I often find myself wondering. Would all of my kids be close. Would they all have had sufficient others, marriages, kids etc. What kind of careers would they have. All questions that will never be answered. The life of a bereaved parent does not get easier, we just get better at navigating through it I think. We are faced with the loss every single day in different ways. We have adjusted our lives to live in what we will forever call our new normal. sending love.
I’m so Sorry for your lost. I also lost my son to a brain tumor . One day he living life to the fullest and looking forward to to the birth of his second son and enjoying his life and living his dreams that he worked his whole life for only to be taken away from him a few years later . Brain Cancer is so heartbreaking to watch it takes over their lives slowly taken over their body then their mind. And you can’t do anything to stop it from taking to your child’s life. I miss my Son so much he received his wings on 9-14-17 at age of 31. To me it seems like yesterday I’m still in disbelief that he gone, can’t wrap my mind around he will never come home again . My heart is forever 💔. Prayers and Hugs to you that you find some Peace and Comfort in memories of your Son 🙏💗
I lost my 19 you daughter 16 mos ago today. She was asleep at college and didnt wake up. Still no definitive cause. I spoke to her the night before. I agree with every word in this blog… I’m exhausted and nothing is easy. Things that bring comfort are momentary, but she is gone EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE. I also agree with Genny said. It’s all just too much…
My son was 29 when he passed in 2017 of drug overdose. He suffered all his life with depression. A part of me knows he is at peace and the other part wants him here with me. I feel guilty when I say he is at peace. It’s like I shouldn’t say that but I know he is. I have a hard time getting close to anyone cause I can’t bear anymore loss close to my heart. Life has become exhausting just to think of the next day without him.
I lost my two daughter 8-1/2 months apart. I miss them terribly and feel like I am Humpty Dumpty put together again but patched up. It’s hard. Christina and Jennifer has cystic fibrosis and a lung transplant. Oh how I miss them. Life cane never ever be the same but we go on for them honoring them always and a shell of what we once were. God help us all to continue and take small steps every day.
Our son died from an accidental OD October 8, 2018. He was only 36 with a 2 year old daughter 😢 . She’s almost 3 1/2 and always asks “Mimi can we go to Heaven and see my Daddy just a little bit and I’ll come right back I promise!” Oh I wish we could sweetie but it doesn’t work that way, so we will ❤️ You enough for Daddy, or at least we will try. Bless her heart 💜 she loves and misses him as do we all! Is he at peace? YES! This will never be easy and it will never be over, i can be anywhere and IT HITS ME LIKE A TRUCK! My sweet granddaughter says “Mimi are you crying cause you miss my Daddy?” Of course I say yes and hug 🤗 her…she’s so much like him and that is amazing 😉 My husband looks at me and said “who does that remind you of?” We both smile 😃 and remember our wonderful, witty, handsome, loving 🥰 son and the best things about him. Love ❤️ you forever Cole!💋
I lost my beloved little girl, Martina, to cancer when she was 21 and a half months old. In 2 days time she will be 35 years gone. Her death devastated me then, and it still devastates me now. I’m very blessed to have 3 other children, a son and two daughters, as well as 6 beautiful grandchildren, but I still ache for Martina every day. I’ll carry the pain of this grief to my grave.
Thank you for putting words to the feelings and exhaustion I have. Well written Liz… The rollercoaster endless living in grief even those closest to us overlook and expect alot we cannot bring as before… so we have to push ever more..with minute to minute triggers… you reach a point that you just expect others to realize how much more this takes then the average.. but it is overlooked…how and why do we even have to explain.. so we dont we just hold it.. we have to sit with it we get to carry it on top of it all… then .the minutes turn to hours and then days lead to weeks that lead to months and before you know it, another “date” appears that triggers you right back to day one.the roller coaster and balance and that does not even “touch” dealing with the outside world that expects the norm…. from us… Love this so very much and happy to share… because we all need to freely let it out when it builds…. and to share to help the next…. who might feel comfort knowing YOU ARE NEVER ALONE IN THIS…..we hold a bond… one that regardless of never meeting each other we can sit and hold each other and without words… just know…. and be with another in the same world…
<3 Jules… A mother of an Angel…
My son was 20 when he was shot unintentionally by one of his friends. It’s been over 6 years, I thought at first I would never, ever be able to function again. I miss him every day, every hour, but it seems time makes your pain duller as it goes. Just like a good band aid, the wound is still here, always will be, just healing and bleeding less and less. One sure thing is my boy wouldn’t want me crippled by this pain, so I try my best to live and love and cherish the 20 years we were lucky to share together. His sister suffers as well, we both are survivors and articulate enough to express our feelings, one sure thing is, I will never be 100% of what I was before. Lack of energy? Drive? Will to be here? I am willing to live, but yep, I do sleep a lot.
Our daughter was murdered almost 5 years ago, the trial ended 4 months ago. Her husband had been sentenced to life. Weve mot only lost a dsughter, but also a ‘son’ and our 2 grandsons are adult ‘orphans’. God is our strength and our only hope.
I am experiencing the same feelings my son was 23 years old the hospital killed my son. I was blessed to have 6 kids.He was number 4 my first to go to college I try so hard but I am so depress I can’t believe he not here April 21 2017 i had to take him off the breathing machine at 6:30 pm he passed at 6:43 worst day of my life I’m so lost i can’t function i don’t want to get up i have anxiety a lot sometimes i can’t breathe this is very hard I miss him everyday his birthday was feb12 he would have been 26. We don’t even take family picture’s anymore I’m just sad#longlivedrae
My son took his life on September 3, 2017. Bobby was 34, the father of two boys, 7 and 6 years old. Since that day I have attended the services for three young people close to our family who also took their lives. My husband and I have both lost one of our parents, aunts, uncles and cousins; eight in all. We’re exhausted. Tired of losing those we love.
I lost my son, Ben, to suicide 9 years ago. Life will never be the same, as I miss him every day. Time does not heal, it only brings me closer to the day when I hope to see him again. Although, at times, I can smile with my grandkids or enjoy a sunny day, I am never really happy. This is my life now, and I just have to ride the waves of grief when they come, and pick myself up and try to carry on. It is exhausting, for sure.
My son, Alex, was 17. He was mowing at his grandparents farm and it rolled on him. He was the middle child – with an older and a younger sister, all close in age. People say “you have other children” but they don’t understand how that compounds. I lost my son, and they lost their brother. We all hurt together. Watching my girls hurt is it’s own terrible reality. My son was an amazing boy. He crammed a lot of life into 17 years. I can only imagine what he could have done with a whole lifetime. I miss him so much.
Well written. And No time does not ease the pain- it’s just different but can still bowl you over even 10 years later. Bryant lived, loved and fought 20 years. I dream of him nightly – dreams I relish where I see him in different forms. Loss of a child is a loss of words. We try and try to explain it but I think exhaustion does play into it.
My son David died 7 months ago from an accidental overdose. He was 37 years old. The child loss support group was a great help. I still miss him every day, and believe this will be the case until I die.
Thankyou for writhing this. I lost my husband and ten month old son in a car accident three years ago. I had another baby by sperm doner.
I love her so much but it doesn’t take the pain away. It’s so exhausting grief – I don’t think people ever understand.