We made it to Week 14. The second trimester. It has been 10 weeks since learning I was pregnant again and I can’t believe we have made it this far. Early on in this pregnancy, I found a website that had a table of the probability of a miscarriage based on the baby’s gestational age, down to the day. I was checking this site almost daily, trying to hold onto hope as the odds of a loss dropped. As they went down, I could breathe a little easier because it meant the chance of my baby taking their first breath was increasing. I could allow myself to start envisioning what the future would look like.
Though I still don’t feel 100% safe, I do recognize the accomplishments and milestones I have had to date.
I no longer feel the need to check that website as frequently. I made it through three anxiety-inducing ultrasounds and a prenatal appointment, all with positive reassurance. We have shared the news with all of our close family and friends. I have advocated for myself and my baby when needed. And I am doing my best to not let my fears of another loss control me.
The past week has been a bit challenging on the mental side of things. My husband was away for work, which means a lot more alone time for me. I usually become a workaholic whenever he is away so that my mind can stay busy, but I’ve also been trying to have a better work/life balance. When I first returned back to work after losing Austin, I returned to my old workaholic ways. At first, it felt like I was getting a lot accomplished, but I also felt my mental health slipping. Eventually, I realized that I was using work as a way to avoid my grief. I committed to getting a better balance, allowing myself to lean into my feelings which I know has made all the difference.
Overall, I think I did an okay job this week of maintaining balance in my life. I didn’t work too much which was nice, and was able to relax and enjoy some time to myself once I got home. Being home alone, I did catch myself starting to slip into not the best of mental spaces. Missing my husband. Feeling unmotivated. Worrying about whether everything was alright with this pregnancy. Wondering how labor and delivery would go, worrying that the trauma related to Austin’s birth would impact me.
Thankfully, I have become very self-aware regarding my mental state and was able to recognize myself slipping. I found small things to occupy my time and bring me back to a better place.
During that time, I was able to realize just how much my bump is popping compared to last week. And, I have no idea if I’m correct, but I think I started to feel some flutters! It seems way too early to feel anything, especially considering I didn’t notice any movements with Austin until I was about 24 weeks, but I hope they are real. Maybe the difference is the placement of the placenta – posterior this time compared to anterior with Austin. His muffled movements were something that I mentioned often to my providers, but every test and check was fine, so they didn’t think it was a major concern. It was just the movements that were normal for him.
If I truly am feeling flutters, I’m taking it as a great sign and also as some much-needed reassurance that everything is progressing well. I always said that I hoped future pregnancies would have more dramatic movements so that I would be able to do proper kick counts. Let’s hope this is the start of those movements!