I miss you. I think about you every single day, there’s a teddy-shaped hole in my heart that I will never fill. Your daddy and I knew your name well before you were born, and it gives me comfort that everywhere I go, there’s a sign of you. Every time I hear the words “teddy bear” my heart smiles.
I’m 28 weeks along with your baby sister. Officially in my third trimester, the home stretch. I’m really excited to meet her, but I’m also extremely heartbroken. She will never get to know her oldest brother, and that’s an excruciating pain that I can’t shake. I know you would’ve looked after her, been her protector, and been such a wonderful big brother. I know Nathan will also do all those things, but she should have you both. It’s not fair.
I know in my heart you already know all of these things I’m saying. But I need to say them anyway.
I would give anything to have you here. I hope you know I don’t miss you any less. In fact, I think I miss you more with each passing day. Your siblings are not replacements, as you are all my children. The world can only see two though. I still talk about you, and I always will. You are my first, my truest love, the one who made me a mama. Sometimes it feels like a dream – am I really walking this earth without my firstborn child?
I remember the hours daddy and I spent holding you and how leaving you at the hospital broke me. It just didn’t make sense going home without you, neither in my belly nor my arms. I left that same hospital with your baby brother 1.5 years later, and I’m hoping with everything in me to do the same in the next few months with Delilah. Thank you for watching over all of us and making sure we make it home safe.
I’m not lucky to have lost you, but I’m lucky to have a beautiful guardian angel for this family.
As we get closer and closer to Delilah’s arrival, I’m getting increasingly anxious. Hoping everything is going to go smoothly when she comes into this world. As soon as she gets here, I promise to let her know you made sure she got here safely. I’ll sing her our song, as I did for you, and for Nathan. And one day, I will tell them both about their big, brave brother Teddy. The doctors didn’t think we’d make it past the first night, but you held on for three days, fighting with everything in you to make it to this world until your tiny body gave out. I couldn’t save you. And, if my love could’ve, it would have. But you came into this world exactly the way you left it, surrounded by love.
Thank you for sending us Delilah and Nathan. We know you picked them out just for us. It doesn’t take away the pain of missing you, but I have comfort knowing a part of you is with them. You’re the best big brother your siblings could ever ask for. I just wish they didn’t have to wait so long to meet you.
I’m blowing kisses to the skies – please send some back if you don’t mind.
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