I’ve heard it time and time again that the second trimester is supposed to be the easiest. You get some energy back, you feel more motivated. It’s the “good” trimester. And I’m calling bull. This mama is exhausted. Like, really exhausted. But to be fair, I’m chasing a tiny human around and running a small business with my bestie. My last pregnancy I was working a desk job, and then I’d go home. No business, no living child, just me and my hubby.
Everything is different this time around. And my level of exhaustion has solidified my decision that Delilah will be our last child.
When we were starting our journey into having a family, we had gone back and forth on how many children we wanted. We were set at two, wanting one of each, and open to a third if we hadn’t had one of each at that point. A baby’s sex, of course, is not up to us, and at the end of the day as long as our babies were healthy, that’s all that mattered. But we had a vision before Teddy was born, and we never anticipated losing any children, let alone our first baby boy.
Alex and I had many, many talks about our next steps towards a family after Teddy passed away. We knew we wanted to try again. However, we didn’t initially see eye to eye. I was determined to bring a living child into this world; I wanted my rainbow baby. And I knew having PCOS that my risk of miscarriage was higher – and that my next pregnancy would be high risk due to the circumstances around my first. Alex said he could not handle another loss. Initially, he said it didn’t matter, that if we lost another child, that he was done, and that we’d figure out another way to have a child. I didn’t agree with that at all. I was so set on having my own child. It was my body that had to physically endure the loss and pregnancy. But we had to work through it together as it was both our decision to make. Eventually, we pushed past the fear and agreed we would just try and see what happened.
Our vision did come true, but not without loss.
We have two boys and a little girl. But one of our boys is an angel. And I’d give anything to have him here. After being pregnant to some degree within the last 4 years, I’m done. Teddy in 2018, Nathan in 2019-2020, and now Delilah 2021-2022. My body and soul are saying enough is enough. Alex and I have decided that we’re making a permanent arrangement to ensure this is our last child. We know we are still young and we’ve been asked if we are sure, and we are. We’ve had enough excitement and heartbreak in the last few years to last a lifetime.
As excited as I am to be pregnant with my beautiful baby girl, I’m also really excited to not be pregnant ever again. Pregnancy is beautiful, but it’s hard. Pregnancy after loss is hard. I’m ready to lose the anxiety and fear that my body may turn on me at any given moment. I’m ready to not get weekly shots of progesterone in my backside (although I’m thankful medicine can help my pretty girl stay safe in my belly, and my bestie for doing the stabbing lol). I’m ready to have my body back, and it’s only a few months away.
As I write I am waiting for the next hour to pass, as it’s glucose testing day. I had gestational diabetes with Nathan, and with my PCOS I know I’m at a higher risk to have GD again. Just another thing on the list I won’t miss about pregnancy. Hoping this time around will be different, fingers crossed!